Time flies! Can't believe that it has almost 4 months over for 2021.
It has been the most conflict 4 months to me. Self-doubt, confused, conflicts, lost, miserable, begging for love.
The emptiness in heart is like a black hole, endless.
Been questioning myself: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?
The self-doubt is so real, that I start to believe I am not worthy to be loved.
I don't see my values as value anymore, I feel like a failure; that I am always not good enough for me, and anyone.
Am gonna attend masterclass next week, play in front of Bartosz Woroch, a New Zealand Violinist whom we have performed before in Penang with Musica Sinfonietta together with his wife. How small the world is! Anyhow I am very confused with the etude he chose because it does not seem like having any difficult or challenging technicality.
Today I was asking my lecturer: Teacher, am I a bad player? Can you answer me honestly?
Dr Chang: I am serious, you are not.
Aww, and it really makes me feel even bad because I was putting my efforts on other stuffs where I should be focusing on my violin during my uni life. If you ask me, the most fav thing in learning music, I would say: Learning violin with Dr Chang has been the most interesting and fun thing ever! It is so lovely to meet her and have her as my violin tutor. We click right after we met the first lesson. I just love her.
Also, I was talking to Ellie yesterday. She told me that she could never believe that Dr Ambrose has been giving me so many free lessons, not even her! She said I must be an incredible student!
Tbh, most of the time, I do really hate myself for being overthinking and emotional. It brings so much of inconveniences to my life where I always care what people think, how they feel and when there's a slight change of emotion in others, I can sense it immediately. I hate that. Being empathy is so tiring. You always spare your energy out.
I miss the carefree moments where sitting there without worrying about study and job.
I never complain what I chose. I study and work at the same time because I need the experience also the money. I might tell my housemates that I am exhausted today, but it has never been complaining.
Was having conversation with Henry and he told me that he will suddenly feel empty and extremely sad in any situation. He feels like crying sometimes; and he asked if I feel the same? I said no. This might the symptoms of depression.
I just feel empty. So empty. Like during the bad days, I would feel like I am just waiting the time passes. I don't feel like doing anything but I don't have the choice. So for the less important stuffs I would procrastinate it. When I am in a good mood, I will do it immediately.
I am very insecure with my playing, I feel bad. I feel so weak. I feel like I can never produce good music. But I love playing music, I know that's the purpose of my life. I was born to produce music.
So many people love me and giving me chances but I still can't see the values in me. What's wrong with me??
