1 April 2022

March: A month full of ups and downs.

Being super exciting at the beginning, and plummeted into the deepest; digging out the most horrible traumas of mine.

Met a lot of new friends, making new experience and memories. 

The Universe has been quite harsh to me recently. After saying goodbye, we parted. One week was so good to be true but it's time to wake up too.

We talked about our past experiences, what brought us today, past relationships, our traumas. Always thought that if I were to open up my inner child wound to someone, he will be the one. But no regret, the inner child finally managed to peep out a little bit (which I am a super proud momma). 

Just a small peep of who dis person, and emotion exploded like hell. Crying uncontrollably and last break-up moments are so surreal, insecurities, unworthiness haunt me back.

Work stress, no self time and all the traumas strike together. I can't do it anymore.

Was talking to him about my ex and all the people I have met these few years.  

He hugged and said to me: Forgive yourself. Don't be too harsh to yourself. You did nothing wrong. You deserve someone who can give you the whole world. Such an amazing person, a genuine, mature and fun person deserves more than what she thinks she could've ever gotten.

Me: I still can't get over the countless nights where I comfort myself after arguments in the past relationship. Gave myself a deep breath and hug, told myself : Everything's gonna be okay. Don't be angry anymore.

Sorry, same stories. But still can't get over. I can't. Too hurt to be ignored and gaslighted.

Turning into 24 yo, Birthday month is not a happy month, it's a realisation month. I feel real, the happiness is real, so does the pain.

Happy Birthday Hanpei, 对不起 谢谢你 我爱你 原谅我 ❤️

18 March 2022

从早上 6:30 忙到现在晚上 11:48  才有少许的片刻喘气。

累得有点麻木，有点烦躁。想要记录一下心情 听一下歌 然后明天继续忙碌。

昨晚和今天一早起来 都在 K 书，我们的行业看起来确实很轻松和风光。可是每一个行业的背后都是有着大家不知道的辛苦。我从来不会羡慕任何人的行业 因为鸭子划水，不会有人一步登天。

现在听着 lala 徐佳莹：在你不知道的时间里爱你很久

一首歌，美丽的夜景，安静的片刻；嗯 这样就够了。

该睡了，明天又是为了梦想努力的一天啊。晚安 世界 ❤️

17 March 2022

今年的 24 生日，过得有点忙和心惊胆跳。在 安排学生的课，表演，录音，听录音，准备学生考试，我的上课时间，练琴，聚餐 和 me time 之间 很努力的找平衡点。

这些压力 让我晚上梦到一只老鼠对我穷追不舍。嗯。所以更睡的不好。

上个星期 整个星期都在忙 KLPAC 的表演，学生的课，拍摄 和 毕业典礼。

照片等有空会慢慢整理出来。

在这些忙碌的日子里，粉丝： 速报爱 从来都没有缺席。在我每个重要的日子里他都到，也全全参与。

昨天是一个小小的喘息，为了确保我们珍贵的几个小时是过得值得的 一定要和重要的人一起过。简单聚餐，小小的庆祝 24 岁生日。

今年的我 心灵更富足。因为很快乐 所以我对生活没有任何抱怨，又或者说 因为感到满足所以这些感恩都大过生活中烦恼的碎事。

生日愿望许了：大家的生活越变越好，健康和平安。

生活只可以越来越好，无一例外。

想对 24 岁的自己说：

    你所有经历的事情只要有觉悟，都会成为生命中的养分。

你期待的每一件事都是从今天的努力开始默默的耕耘，千万不要奢望一步登天，即使别人看起来可以毫不费功夫就得到他们想要的；即使大家努力的脚步不一样，我希望你只需要确定自己比今天更好一点。要相信 越努力 越看起来毫不费力。

    再来，我希望你越来越喜欢原本的自己。也可以相信：你只要站在那里什么都不做就成为别人眼里的光。

    24 岁，多美的年纪啊！毕业快乐 🎓，致青春，致美丽，致眼里都还有光还想为梦想努力的年纪 — 干杯 🍻！

Age like a fine wine.

说了一千万次 都还是想跟你说：你太棒了！

谢谢你 11 年的友情 谢谢在每个重要的日子还有你。

1 March 2022

It's my Birthday Month! Such an energetic month to be. 

February was a Resting, Realisation and Healing month for me; spending time alone, realign myself as usual.

It started with Chinese New Year, thought having a good break from all the hectic schedule and TA-DA! Here came with Covid + and forced to get rest for 2 weeks.

When almost recovered, it was already mid of February and the most romantic season: Valentine's Day.

Out of nowhere I received a bouquet of roses from anonymous (which I have already found out who was that). Touched but no Thank you.

Then I resumed the work, replaced lessons after lessons. Started to pick-up my mood and mind to be back working on my goals (which took me quite awhile as I was so comfortable of doing nothing).

And emotionally (of thinking stupid things) hit me hard again for few days; where I was so misaligned with myself and got so jumpy. But based on all the past experiences, I continue to read, calming myself.

After that, there were people started to approach me with their shit, and I was the listener. Which wasn't such a bad thing, because it helped me to solve some of my stupid issues by listening to their shitty shit. Fair enough.

End of February, had 1 conducting and 2 flute lessons and 2 violin lessons (thank God I am still making small progresses after a one-month break). 

Started to be more focused on the goals and vision. I re-align myself, and I know the ups and downs are so normal; not gonna be judgemental on all the thoughts. 

Before I ended my February, I managed to talk to my Guru, and he reminded me to be Nobody, all the attitude and pattern is all about Ego. Being nobody, Love Life and Life will love you back.

Appreciate the gentle breeze, who builds the ant empire, what makes your heart beating, look at the birds flying in the sky, the trees, etc.

Hello March, long awaited month. It will definitely be a month which full of love. 

Who doesn't like flowers? But I can buy it myself. I can treat myself food which makes me happy, I buy me cloths, skincare products. I bring myself for shopping, workout and all the places I wanna go. I heal myself when I'm emotionally down, I take care of myself when period cramp is a thing. I get myself home even when I am drunk af. 

Dear Man, I don't need someone who knows only talk shit but never proves with action. A bouquet of flower, few simple meals, Good-morning text are just nothing to me. At All. 

Be your own Sun, so you can be the Light

March will be a month which full of love because I know it will.