13/4/2021

I am seeing a guy recently. I like him. But I am broken. 

I always encourage self-love, but I never really looked into the broken part; it is too painful to open the wound and my brain has somehow deleted a lot of the memories. 

I told myself to work harder, make myself occupied, see new people, study, read books; but it does not really working on the most wounded part.

Am I that broken? Am I healing?

Those infavourable experiences are still haunting me, that I am sooooo insecure. I am not afraid of rejection, but I am terrified of getting in love then being dumped for the sake of I am not good enough for the person.

Everyone is saying that you're good, you deserve to be loved and love.

I don't beg for someone to stay, I am not shy to show my affection either. Why do you need to play games to get someone? 

It has been 6 months, have I moved on from the past? Well not really. But I don't know why anymore, probably I am self-pitying. I feel so bad for myself, for loving someone unconditionally, naive enough to believe that what I have done would be appreciated by the person.

And when you were loving someone so much, it turned out that the person had been thinking to break up with you one year ago. Oh gosh. What was I doing all that while?

No matter I will be together with this guy, I know it's time for me to look into my most broken part. 

I know it's the message Universe sent me. I get it, Thank you. 

Hanpei, we gotta go, you need to leave the past in the past; we are all waiting for you to embark on the new journey and we always love you as what form you are.