26/12/2020

 One day after Christmas, I'm in my home, my real sweet home. First time without mom, just me and dad.

It is a happy week, staying in my hometown, spending time here although classes were still on. I still have lists for me to complete but I told myself, I am here to relax and spend time with family and friends therefore, they are my priority and I have the privilege not to do homework hehe.

I just met the two most important persons in my life, my two family members too: Saw Poh Ai and Puah Soo Yong. They are part of my life, and I love them.

Always feeling nostalgic when I'm home, all the memories since I was little will pop out in my mind and they are always overwhelming. And I enjoy every moment missing them, they are part of me, they made who I am today. We are inseparable.

It feels so good every time seeing them because I know I can be who I am, so do they, and we always make laugh and tease each other and no matter how long we never meet, our relationship never changes. They have seen my downfall, so do I, we share each others' success, glories, and vulnerability.

I would like to conclude my 2020

        The new year started with Australia's massive fire in the forests, a lot of animals died and lost their homes. It wasn't pleasant news to start with. Then, Wuhan was announced to lockdown due to the epidemic but fortunately, Malaysia was still able to celebrate Chinese New Year.

        When the cases in Malaysia increased on March, 18/3/2020 the government decided to lockdown, starting our first MCO, lucky enough for me to celebrate my birthday, eating ice cream on 17/3/2020 with Daniel. Because we were in our hometown during Valentine's Day, we did not celebrate and I barely remembered Daniel promised he would celebrate with me when we got back to KL. And I could barely remember did we celebrate it. 

        When MCO started, I genuinely felt so happy because I was able to spend more time with Daniel plus I did not have e-learning yet therefore I had ample time doing nothing. When time went by, I got a little bit of depression because I felt suffocated. We started to argue because of little things. But I still loved him very much. 

        I could barely remember when was the time but I discovered he was texting with a girl from social media and the conversation had some chemistry and he admitted that he did not have a girlfriend. I told him I did not like the way you talked to her. That was the first time. 

        I had been meditating since March because I am very eager to find my inner self. I want to make a connection with myself,  find peace within myself. I love building inner values and I prioritize that, I want to be a better person. I faced struggles, challenges, I questioned myself all the time but I did not have answers at the time. I slowed down my pace, not eager in finding the answer, instead I let the answer appear at the right time. 

        When EMCO started, everything seemed perfectly fine, our relationship was fine, my works as well as my studies. I was chosen to work with Mr Ambrose, he was willing to take me as his conducting student. It has been 3 months we are working together. I am truly blessed and grateful until today, and I know I cannot fail him. 

        In October, Daniel and I had a lot of fights and cold wars. I never thought our relationship would be changed so fast. I had a lot of silent crying and talks to myself, secretly hoping he would realize and talked to me. He failed me too no matter how many times I wanted to communicate. I had the most terrible downfall in October, during our broke up. I sobbed and moved out from Ss2, the place I used to be loving it the most and I knew I had to move on. I could not express my gratefulness to Kee Xin, who lend me a hand when I needed it the most. Everyone was asking and checking on me during my darkest time and there was one time Kee Xin told me: Do you know a lot of people love you?! (with an angry emoji) and it struck me hard, I lost a relationship I thought it was so precious and I started to realize there are so many people love me unconditionally. (tears)

        I took weeks to digest and communicated to myself. And here are the things I want to tell myself.

Dear Me, 

        You have grown up a lot. And I know you always deny certain characters in you but I want you to know I love you and I want you to accept the good and bad in you. Because you are you. It has been a great year for you and although the heartbreak might crush you, I am always with you so don't worry. Be courageous and go for your dream. You have people who love you, supporting you unconditionally.

You're a sexy beast. xoxo. Good night world.

13/12/2020

 It has been hectic weeks. Stuggle, tumble and hopefully I can pull through this semester.

Too many responsbilities and expectations to meet, I can't fail myself and people who trust on me.

It's Sunday evening 5:36pm, I just finished recording for week 9 assessment. Thank God.

I had a small sharing with the kids yesterday, I talked about vulnerability with them. My purpose of doing this is, hoping that I can awake the passion and interest of them towards music. Sometimes when we keep doing one thing, it's even easier for us to forget the purpose of doing it. I was thinking, I would be grateful if I was able to touch 1 student, or inspire them.

After finishing my sharing, some of them cried. I am so bad at comforting people HAHA but I can truly understand their struggles. I hope I can give them a hug so badly. 

27/11/2020

 It's Flyday! Finally, I've survived till the weekend. I was craving alcohol these few days and I only allow myself to drink during weekends.

I asked my housemate to join me but she said I'm gonna drive tomorrow so if I drink too much will be too dangerous. Anyhow, without her knowledge, I secretly got myself a BIG can of beer. hehe

The weather tonight is superb. It is windy now, sitting on the sofa, with Harry Potter music, the chill wind and a BIG can of beer. What a life.

I had my conducting lesson with Mr Lee today, and I asked whether how far I am in order to achieve my goal, and he said what he is preparing me right now is the master program, and he suggested me to go East Europe for conducting, more opportunity, cheaper. And I am really looking forward to my future.

I love having deep conversations with people, it makes me feel connected. Or else, I prefer to be alone. My mind is full of fantasies and imagination. I love it when my mind is telling me stories. I can spend the whole afternoon, staring at the ceiling and just let my mind race like hell. Untell stories and feelings are too overwhelm and I also need to separate into a few characters and talk to myself, not to mention especially when I am with good music.

After the breakup, I realize life is too short to care about shits. 

Sitting here with good music, good beer, and a nice environment. 100%.

I was talking to Eva that my emotions are so unpredictable every day, I feel touched when I get to know good music and this happens literally every day. And she was like why you're so rich in emotions. And I love being ME! Good night.  

Breakup

 Hello everyone who is still reading my blog. Millions of thank you. I always treat here as my secret place, when I got no one to speak to or I want to have some conversation with myself I would love to post here. It's definitely not safe haha but I would just want to record my life in words. 

16/10/2020

It had been few days since we were having the cold war, we did not talk to each other because I remembered I wanted him to spend more time with me and he said he was tired of telling his stuff. Therefore, I decided to shut up since there was no conclusion for the argument. We did not talk to each other since Monday 12/10/2020, I had so many things to tell him, but when I saw him, treating me like I'm transparent, I knew it wasn't good timing. And I hoped that he would wait in front of the bathroom so he would apologize to me and tell me: Can you smile? I miss your laughter because I remember he told me how much he loved my laughter, that was my signature. But every time I put so high hope on it, it crushed me even harder. I did not cry for that few days, letting myself settle down but I have never expected these few days would be our last few days to be together. The process was difficult, whenever I thought of it, my heart ached. I loved him so it was hurtful to see the person you loved treated you in such a way.

On Friday 16/10/2020, we talked about this issue, and he said he was tired, tired of sharing his stuff with me, saying that I could never understand his jobs, his stuff. We have been fucking 2.5 years and the person who slept with you every night told you that you could never understand his job. What the fuck? Therefore we came to a mutual agreement to break up. No doubt, I was crying like hell and I definitely knew my eyes would look like walnut the next day. I was having neck and back pain that night, woke up and applied the cream by myself and massaged it. Tears couldn't stop, it was too hurtful to think of what to do later. He just slept there when I was suffering emotionally and physically. The memories of ours were like playback, every single memory was flashing in my mind and I knew I could not do anything to fix on this relationship anymore, it was time to let go. "Letting go" has always been the hardest issue for me, I can't but I have to. 

17/10/2020

I contacted Wei Pheng and Kee Xin, asking for a place to stay temporary. And I decided to stay at Kee Xin's place. I woke up with my eyes swelled like walnut, expected. My mind was blank, how much I wished that it was just a dream, we were still cool the next day. But nope, it was real and happening. I woke up, talking to Poh Ai about this, cried like hell. Around 11am, I showered and started to pack. When I was packing, I could not hold my tears, they were like the water pipe, gushing out from my eyes. Before I left, he hugged me and said good luck. Ain't this ironic? Haha. When I settled down there, I rested and cried again. Basically, my mind was blank and I kept crying that few days la. Like trying to fit into a new place was so hard for me at that time, and I practiced my flute to keep me occupied. His sister called me too, checking on me and asking what happened to both of us, whether I still wanted to go back.

18/10/2020

I received a lot of messages and love from my friends and sis. They checked on me from time to time, and I could not be more appreciative of this. And so fortunate that I have Kee Xin keep me accompanied. They asked whether had I eaten, how was I, did I feel better, what did I need? And this fella, Saw Poh Ai kept asking me whether I want any dessert? Can't remember which day, but Soo Yong called me too, we talked about my plans with him, things that we had not accomplished. 

That night I decided to call my mom because I didn't want to worry her. We talked and I cried, she said she was so worried about me and she wished she could be here with me right now. But after talking I felt worse, but I know it's okay because I was having heartbreaking moments. I needed time to heal. 

19/10/2020

On the fourth day of the breakup, I went back to Ss2 to grab my things. I have never thought the journey of going back "home", the place I used to call it, was so hard. I did not cry, but the feeling was complicated. Fortunately, I met with few people and after talking to them, I wasn't feeling that bad anymore. I talked to my housemate, Ellie and knowing that the three of us in this unit were just broke up, as well as Ellie's housemate! And this made me feel better HAHAHA

20/10/2020

The fifth day of the breakup. Finally, there was a smile on my face. (You might get confused with the date, so do I)

21/10/2020

I had dreams about him few times. In the dreams, I kept asking whether did he still love me? But he walked away all the time without answering me. I thought I should let you go. 

22/10/2020

One week after the breakup and I could see myself healing. I looked great.

Shout out to every girl out there!

Never ever escape from the reality, face it with courage! You are more than you think. The reason why I healed and reacted out of my expectation is I enjoyed every moment, regardless of up or down. I truly experience every single feeling and emotion that my heart and mind want to tell me. It was really good when you are opened up to your own, and be honest to your heart. You're a gem, don't let others treat you like trash. Eat study sleep. Do what you're supposed to and take a break if you need to. 

I love me, and I am spending more time with myself, not begging someone to spend time on me, if they want to, they will. I felt like a beggar when I was asking him, not to play the game but talked to me. 

It's okay, I am tired of those shit and I am so ready to move on, looking forward to the next chapter of my life. xoxo

19/11/2020

 Good morning World, there's water shortage again since yesterday. And this is really annoying.

It's mid sem break this week, and I'm progressing well! I listed down all the things I need to do and I follow it well hehehe.

These few days were excellent. I am happy, everything is following my plan and it goes pretty well. My time, my work and stuff. 

Gotta off to work, Good day everyone!

12/11/2020

Before the end of the day, I am sitting on the sofa, listening to Christmas songs with the fire crackling sound, communicating to myself. I feel so good.

It is such a happy day, I finished conducting a lesson with Mr. Robert, and he said I improved so much since the first time he saw me (during the workshop held by Mr. Eric). He asked if I am aware of my own progress, I said yes, a bit. But he said: not just a bit. It's a huge step. We work together for around 3 months, and I never imagine I can improve by leaps and bounce in such a short period. 

The second thing is, I finally can move on to another movement of Holst's first suite. He asked me to give a kiss to the first movement because I am saying goodbye to it now, although I need to revisit it sometimes. HAHA.

Everyone is saying 2020 is such a bad year. To apply the knowledge I've just learned from the Chinese Popular Culture course when something bad is happening, there'll be a good thing as well, that's why Yin and Yang are here. They are here to balance out the universe.

To sum up, all the good things happen in this year, 2020, I started learning Hiragana in March due to MCO lockdown, I started to meditate, start teaching private students, I met wonderful kids from all over the world like Korean, Japan, Dubai, Kuwait, Taiwan, and China, not to mention our local students. From ages 3 to 20, I learned so much from each of them and couldn't be more blessed to be trusted by the parents and able to share my knowledge and love with them. Next, I got to be a recitalist (which is one of my goals), meaning I am able to have my graduation recital. Due to the diseases, I started to conduct virtual violin lessons and thank all the international students, I have the opportunity to speak English and that really helps a lot, I improved a lot! Then, the happiest and blessed in 2020, I was chosen by Mr. Robert Ambrose to be his student, and I met new friends Ellie from the USA. I got no words to describe how grateful I am, but I really do. Conducting has always been my passion and in 2020, I am one step closer to my dream. 

In the last 50 days of 2020, I would like to challenge myself that:

1. Love me more, invest in myself.

2. Read more books.

3. Practice.

4. Earn more money.

It's 12.01 now, hello Friday. I wish all of you to stay healthily, happily, and peacefully. xoxo.

Sensitive = Passion?

 I do admit I am such a sensitive person. Any slight changes in the mood, tone, facial expression, you name it; I can sense it.

I always receive comments like: Why are you so sensitive? // You're overreacting. // You shouldn't be having so many emotions. 

And I always hate myself for being so sensitive or you may call it as emotional. Society uses the term 'Emotional' as a negative word. Being emotional is not good, you should have flat emotions, not so many ups and downs.

I tried to change myself, numb my senses. But I can't. This makes me depressed. I always show my feelings through my expressions. People say I can be read easily, which is not good. I understand, but just a few minutes ago, I went through an IG story post from Maggy, she was reading the book: The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown, the quote caught my attention: 

We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. 

You know what, this quote is so beautifully written. I always hate my gift, for being a sensitive person. But at the same time, I am a person who is so rich in different emotions! And that's who I am, innit?

I can feel what people can't, I can describe and I enjoy all the emotions I have. Isn't it so amazing?

I am passionate about what ahead of me, and I am so passionate about my life, I can't wait to reach the next stage of my life and at the same time, I am enjoying my life right now. 

I am so blessed to be given this wonderful superpower, being extra caring about others' feelings and if I use it wisely, I can make more friends, I can share, and be a wonderful listener.

I am so into self-love recently, I love myself, still accepting who I am. But, I am genuinely happy. I have the freedom to wake up at any time, choose what to eat, choose what to wear, my family and friends love me and so do I, I am still learning, still playing the violin and my conducting. What else I can complain about in my life?

Dear Me, 

I've let you suffered for some time, I'm sorry, and I promise I won't in the future. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I love you, myself.

修炼之行 Day 4

 今天感觉好多了，只是晚上时间比较难熬；我记住了这几天比较好玩有趣的话题不然我怕当我们有机会聊天的时候我没有话题分享。

可是显然今天又在失望了，一切会好起来的对吗？我会更坚强的对吗？

每一次洗澡的时候情绪和感受都特别真实；我无数个猜想和期待我洗澡出来，你会不会站在前面拿着我想吃的东西跟我说对不起 我想要活泼的你回来好吗？

果然越多期望 失望就越多。

可是我很棒哦，心揪着的；可是我没有哭。

这一次，我除了宝爱淑荣稍微提起，我并没有跟任何人分享我这几天过得怎么样。不至于生不如死，但是每一次心痛都是如此真实。

忍一忍心就不会那么痛了对吗？

修炼之行 Day 2

 第二天，我把我自己关闭起来，因为我不忍心再让自己 满心欢喜把心掏出来接着得到冷漠和敷衍。

你今天升职加薪，午休时打了通电话给我；我内心真的很替你光荣和开心，这几个月的努力都被看见，打从心里为你感到开心。你说：我回来再跟你说细节。好，我期待。

今天迟点煮饭 所以你回来的时候我还在切菜，我问了你可以帮忙吗？我以为我们俩在同一个空间你可以告诉我你今天发生的事情，可是你没有。你带着耳机 愉快的洗菜和听歌；我站在旁边炒菜。

晚餐时候，我跟你说了声：恭喜你升职加薪。你说：谢谢，赶快吃吧。

我们继续了前天还没看完的 Harry Potter，你知道吗？上次和你看完第二部，我已经偷偷喜欢上 Harry Potter 的剧情，比起MCU 我很愿意和你一起看完。

可是啊，我刚才切菜的时候，辣椒的辣留在我的手掌；所以我一直在搓我的手掌，因为觉得不舒服。你却看得很入神一直跟我说剧情。

本来打算和你一起看完，可是我怕我忍不住所以转身洗了碗就进来房间了。

你知道吗？我越来越找不到你爱我的证据。可是这两天里我的眼泪一滴都没有留下来。

手上的辣痛，我可以暂时忘记我的心也在滴血。

你口口声声说你很爱我，你没有敷衍我；可是我找不到你任何想要努力的行动。

我反复问我自己，我们从什么时候变成这样？我不知道。

终于明白时间的残忍，因为他从来不会给你任何预告，只能逼你去接受。接受你生活中的好与坏。

13/10/2020

Having bad days recently. Heartbreaking, getting used to the new mode of lifestyle.

Blank in my head, but I know that I'm just feeling sad. I wake up sad, don't feel like doing anything, Is that what we call 'breakup syndrome'?

I said a lot of bad words and discouraged phrases to myself recently. I am just feeling bad, I don't feel good, I feel like I'm a loser, a failure. 

I thought I could just call someone up and talk about my problems, but when I wanted to do so, I just remember that everyone might just have their bad days and problems too! Who am I to complain and transfer my bad energy to the others?

Exhausted, not just physically, but mentally. 

I want to be understood but I don't want to be at the same time; conflict. 

Miserable; in a sense that I don't know should I keep my faith in the relationship or stop giving all I have? 

just give all my hearts to every person I love, and I don't feel the same.

Being adult is hard; having someone beside you yet you feel so lonely is even harder. 

The distance of two hearts is so far that I'm afraid I might lose you.

A Note to Myself

 Dear Me, 

                   It is always the hardest when you decided to take the first step. And I just want to let you know that I'm so proud of you all these while. The courage in you, that you would like to try and challenge yourself of learning conducting and flute and treat them so seriously. I do understand that you want to challenge and push yourself harder and harder, that's why you are always being so serious in your life. You study and practice hard because you know if you're not hardworking enough, you will fail yourself.

I would like you to know that, mental health is so important as well. I want you to talk more to me, be open, and have an intimate conversation just like what we are doing right now. Don't have to be shameful, there's nothing to be shameful about. Sometimes you fail you, but I know you're trying your best. 

These past few weeks I could tell that you're exhausted. And you're worried about what will happen when school starts. Well, I do understand and don't worry. You have been gone through so many ups and downs, this final year I'm sure you can pull through. Enjoy your university life, enjoy friends, enjoy every stage of your life.

You're doing so good. Don't worry. Time will give you all the answers. What you need to do right now is, do what you can, strive for the best. I always have faith in you. Even it might seem like failures sometimes, I know you have tried your best. I love you and I want you to love yourself even more.

11/10/2020

我又再次失控了，累计了太多失望，难过，委屈，生气和压力让我觉得很累。

越来越少陪我的时间，越来越少的沟通，越来越少的相处时间和越来越多的敷衍。

我问所以爱会消失对吗？我说：对。

心不累吗 成天都在在意自己控制不了的事情，期待一些明知道对方不会做也不可能去做的事情。

觉得自己很多时候都很孤独。

1/10/2020

 2020 is like a blink of an eye, we are entering October, countdown to last three months.

I can't wait to celebrate Christmas, I can't wait to know when will the pandemic end, when will people be happy again.

2020 has been a very tough year to all of us, there are too many regrets and sadness in it. 

Are we able to welcome 2021 with our smiles? Well, we'll see.

I am feeling unreal, that time passes so fast. I am in a stressful condition recently, there are too many things going on and I am feeling complicated. Missing those old good times when we are able to talk and laugh, going shopping. I miss my friends, I miss doing nothing, just chill and relax. 

Dear last three months of 2020,

I hope everyone is healthy, happy and safe. Don't have to worry about food, shelter and filled with love. 

27/9/2020

 I have a terribly bad day today. I thought after I settle part of my stuff I would able to enjoy the free time just for a day, but I was wrong, apparently.

Have an argument with him, and I am so disappointed with how he behaves. And I keep telling myself to let go, focus on myself but I couldn't. It reaches the point that I was calming myself down outside and he just said to me that if I insist on wanting a boyfriend who can stay beside me when I am mad, I should get a new one. Even before that, I was kind of raising my voice to him but he ignored me and continue playing the game. 

It was very cool.

My heart sinks till the bottom of the abyss and I only keep crying.

Dear Me,

I wish you could give your heart to someone who can make whole effort and care. Along the journey of finding yourself and partner, I hope that you're courageous, bold, to love and to be loved. I don't want you to say negative words to yourself because you are not. I love you and I want you to do the same thing to me. xoxo.

11/9/2020 All those good things

I was offered to attend an online conducting workshop by Mr Eric, and the conductor was Mr Robert Ambrose. The work was by Holst, First Suite in Eb major.

I was so excited and nervous at the same time because I am so new to this and now I am going to be checked or commented by a maestro. Therefore, I asked for my lovely teacher Mr Lee for help. We did have a great session and he really did help me a lot. 

The first time with Mr Robert was a little bit boring to be honest because he was trying to explain why did Holst write this kinda music, which part to take note, the chords, harmony bla bla. 

The second time was a truly nervous one because we were gonna conduct it in front of everyone. (5 participants plus Mr Eric and Mr Robert) 

Mr Robert was kind enough not to give me bad comments, but focus on the good things, he asked to conduct the way he sang, follow the articulations, focus more on the musicality things instead of time beating. And I tried to absorb as much as I can. 

Yesterday was the last session for all of us, and I was the first to conduct because I knew I'd be nervous if I was arranged the last to conduct. Miraculously, Mr Robert complimented me, saying that I have improved so much within a few days, and he was impressed. I was thrilled at that time. 

Before the session ended, Mr Robert private messaged me that he would like to work with me as a conducting student! O!M!G!

I know right!!!!! How excited this can be!! We have a chat, I explained my situation to him, and he said: Don't worry about the charges. I will not charge you anything at all. The reason I want to work with you because I see so much potential in you as a conductor. O!M!G!

I am dying. Literally.

I myself, and for those who trust me and have faith in me, I promised that I will work harder. Will not disappoint you. 

21/8/2020

 I just realized something IMPORTANT!

I always feel my energy is drained after having lessons with my students, even though when there is one only. And I never understand why until I talked to my sister this evening.

I am acting all these while. Acting to be a nice teacher because I know how words play its role. Good and motivational words mean a lot to a person who is on the progress of learning; while bad and discourage words might make them feel worthless and look down on themselves.

It was so fortunate that I never met this kind of music teachers in my life, and I am genuinely happy about their progressions. I hope my actions and words will be the inspiration and motivation accompany them along the journey of learning.

However, I just realized that wearing a mask in different occasion and not genuinely be myself (positivity all the time!) is just exhausting. 

Damn exhausting. Every time I finish teaching them on Saturday morning, I just want to go home and sleep. I can't think of anything to do after I get a nap.

Anyhow, I love seeing them enjoy playing music. But always be the one you feel comfortable when you're with you. 

Goodnight, xoxo.

19/8/2020

 It is a brand new day, sitting beside the bed with my workout outfit. This is the 10th day of Pamela.

Was having a conversation with my coursemate last two days. Seeing her was good but the conversation made me think of, what we choose to surround with, which will be resulting as what we are eventually.

Have you ever thought of becoming someone you like in the future? Or someone has been a role model for you?

Ever imagine what type and kind of person you wannabe?

I am a person who loves gossips, and I would even surround myself in the ambience and created it if there wasn't any. And the older I've become, the sooner I realised that what's the point of keep discussing people when you yourself are not improving? Gossips about people be like, stop your own progress and just look at other people and discuss them, mostly bad.

Is that what you want?

I would not deny that she's a friend of mine, and I feel grateful and appreciate for having her. 

However, I just want to remind myself, remember who I want to be. 

Have a good day. xoxo

Recitalist Celebration Day

 Finally getting to celebrate me being chosen as Recitalist with Daniel!!

We were supposed to celebrate last weekend he went Genting with his friends. And I couldn't be more excited to celebrate with him because my coursemates all their families were celebrating so grandly with them and my family was like, "oh? Really ah? Good Good. Congratulation!" That's it.

So I was kinda down, feel like no one is genuinely proud of me, and I thought Daniel would.

Anyhow, today we were supposed to go KLCC Aquarium (As what Daniel planned), but recently both of us spent too much, and I don't want him to spend more on me when he's not that rich yet, hence, I told him I did not feel well this morning and why not we wait other days to celebrate, as well as to save money also.

This evening, after finishing the recital from Wee Yang, Daniel and I went to Korean restaurant as I wanted to try the Jjajangmyeon so much and we went to Starling mall to have a walk.

It went so well, but when we got off from the car, the moment we started to walk around the shops, he took out his phone and continued Pokemon Go. All the way, he was staring at the phone although listening to what I was talking. I felt so disrespectful and I decided to walk on my own. What's the purpose to have someone whom the heart is not here?

I thought it really went well for our celebration day, how naive I was to think that, he will tell me, "Baby, I'm so proud of you, Congratulations for your graduation recital!

Holding my hand, walk with me, having a nice conversation. That's all I need, as a partner. 

Why is it so hard?

PS: Baby, I'm so proud of you. Thank you for your hard work, your perseverance and your passion. I'm sorry if there was some time, I couldn't share your emotions, I blamed on you, I looked down on you and make you feel worthless. But I want you to super sure that, if there's anything happen, I'm on your back. And I know you will take good care of yourself. Love, xoxo.

23/07/2020

好久没把好消息带来这里。今天是 recitalist 公布的日期 由于老师也没清楚的说出几时会知道 所以我也紧张了好多天。

在教琴的当儿，我的junior aka 学生跑来 祝贺我，当下知道被选中的心情其实是激动 可是在教琴，也不能表现得太激动。

接着就是我的flute 老师也算是我大恩人其中之一 也来祝贺我。假设没有他 我不知道自己会不会被选中。

我和 wee yang 都被选上了，esther 没被选上老实说我有点难过。因为我知道她心里想要拉琴。可是如果现在安慰她感觉有点说风凉话。所以我告诉他，我们就在各自的领域一起努力 一起毕业吧！

收到很多人的祝福 说知道我肯定会获选。可是只有我自己知道，我的实力其实没有很好吗？心里感觉虚虚的。

现在坐在家里的书房，用着同一台电脑，同样的位置；原来已经是两年后了。

时间真的过得好快，还记得那时 懵懵懂懂，带着紧张和害怕的心情离家去吉隆坡读书。

宫崎骏说：每一个害怕的瞬间，都是让你勇敢的时刻。

感谢自己没有放弃自己，在每一次绝望和难过的时候 都没有逃避；反而开导起自己来。

零极限这本书说：遇到每一个人 或者每一件你在意的事 都可以对他说：谢谢你，我爱你，对不起，请原谅我。

长大的过程很艰难，可是我觉得我比昨天更勇敢了一些。

谢谢自己，我爱你，对不起，在很多很艰难的时刻都没有好好在乎你的感受，请你原谅我。

于是，在没有人理解和关心的情况下，我学会了拥抱自己，做自己的聆听者，并且好好爱自己。

没有人会一辈子陪伴你，唯独你。好好爱自己，不要忽略自己的诉求，跳出别人给予自己的框架。

愿：每一个在追梦的你们，可以找到属于你们的现实。

14/7/2020

距离上一次回家，已经是半年前的事情。

这一次回家心里好像缺少点什么，觉得心情复杂。我觉得应该是我把复杂的心情带回家了，所以才会感觉这样。

如果你相信宇宙能量的话，这一两个星期是后劲；也就是说，我们正在往更好的方向迈进 可是还是会感觉能量的不稳定性。

大概在 6 月时期，我决定想要结束一段我最久，最珍惜，最爱的一段友谊。原因大概大家会觉得我疯了：因为我约她，她不想出来。

自己心里清楚知道，我不是随便会结束一段关系的人，因为我比谁都更放不下，我也不洒脱。

经过了许多事情让我明白，可能我不在对方心中那么重要的时候，我觉得我不想再让自己 一方面的去付出。

每一段感情 在面临分手的时候，都感觉像失恋；并不是只有爱情会失恋。

这一个多月来，我也没有收过对方的消息，一封信息，一个安慰。可能你说：成年人的友谊不都是偶尔才联络一次吗？对。我不否认。

我觉得对一个比较自我为中心的人来说，我的重感情就是他们手中的把柄。因为知道会把我拿得死死的。

我想要在我有能力想要在乎和对你好的时候，尽我所能的去对你好 不管别人口中觉得值不值得。

做朋友已经 22 年了的我们，我没有想过我们也有尽头。

我爱你，祝你往后的路，都有贵人在扶持你，身体健康，要一直开心下去。

7/7/2020

不知道从几何时 我的部落好像不是给我分享快乐的地方。只有心情不好才会想起 原来我可以通过这个平台跟自己对话。
今天和姐姐去阿姨家吃饭，她也在那。跟她一起煮饭的时候  感觉很疏远，眼里再也没有光。不觉得她老了，只是会问自己：有爱情滋润的女人不应该是容光焕发的吗？

在车上和姐姐聊起了妈妈，无意间提起 好像男友不止一个吧？
我的价值观再次被击败。我无法接受 到底有多缺爱才会需要不止一个人。
回家之后，跟Daniel 提起这件事，他无关紧要继续打游戏，说他不想听任何一切关于她的事情。
我沉默了。我也习惯情绪自己消化。
我不怪他，每个人对事情的看法从来就不会一样，反而 可以遇到与自己价值观相似的人 应该好好珍惜。
洗了个澡之后，他依然在打游戏。我淡淡得说了一句：我期待中的男友 是会放下手中忙的事情来听听我的不开心。不过我尊重你，因为这本来就是我自己的期待。
才可以明白书里写的话，好像是真的。“在判断一个人爱不爱你的时候，就是看他跟你吵架的时候是什么态度。真正的爱 是可以包容和接受你的负能量吗。”

感恩，我还属于我自己。我还有能力自己处理和消化自己的负能量。我无法接受 倘若有一天，一个愿意接受你的负能量也懂得你的人，离你而去。那时候我会更崩溃吧？
我想留给一个，愿意聆听我，懂得我的不快乐的人。在这之前，我自己的负能量，我必须学习自己去消化。
看清一段感情适不适合你，也许只需要一个当下。

成人的世界，很复杂。
愿我，可以坚守自己的善良和单纯直到永远。

5/6/2020

我看过你爱我的样子，所以当你不在意的时候 我都知道。

每一次的说要准备给我的惊喜，前面都用了 “本来” 这两个字。

4/6/2020

最近的情绪好多了 可能看开了，想放过自己。
前两天收到了 Puchong 一间centre 的 offer，其实呢我们在前一年已经有见过面了。兜兜转转的缘分竟然要在一年多后。
心里其实不是很想要接受 感觉不投缘。不过这次 我冷静的分析自己抗拒的原因，因为我觉得老板 “感觉” 不好相处，“感觉” 我会受委屈。
看到吗？我常常预测我自己也预测不了会发生的事。“感觉” 在我的生活用词中，占据很大的空间。
不是说 “感觉” 不好，也不是不要相信自己的第六感。不过我分析了我为什么会接受的原因：因为我需要钱。
所以在感觉 和 钱 当中，我学习了去衡量这整件事。我是为了尊严工作呢还是钱？
答案是：钱。
那就没什么好说了啊 既然钱才是我主要的目的，那尊严会排第二了。
所以我就欣然的接受这个 offer。

致：未来的我
请你明白有时候我对自己很仁慈，也一直在伤害着自己，不过很多决定 我也是为了想要让你过得更好。
好的坏的决定，你一定比现在的我还要清楚。
我也希望你会感谢现在做这一切决定的我，好的坏的，聪明的愚昧的。未来的你，辛苦咯！

我是双鱼座

读完了乔乔的 ‘一个人去丹麦，写一本书’，他在书里面感叹 幸亏当时听了自己心里的声音 明确的告诉他 去世界上最快乐的地方———丹麦，然后写一本书。
这本书辗转了 11 年，终于也还是诞生。
最近常搜寻关于励志的内容，有好多话都像棒子敲醒了我。
‘ 你很乖 ’ 是一句很可怕的话，也就代表 ‘ 你要服从 ’。这世界那么大 我们有办法满足了所有人对我们的期望吗？

最近常常和 Daniel 吵架，现在此时此刻的我 已经大哭一场 也在屋子外吹吹凉风，看着我喜欢的一花一草，高耸的建筑物。
每次我望向我的左边，那三座高高的公寓，我就告诉我自己：我给自己几年的时间 我想要凭自己的本事住进去！嗯！我可以的。
或许未来的我 也不会把这个梦想当一回事，不过现在 22 岁，没有经济能力的我，这是一个可以让我坚持奋斗的其中一个目标。
每一次吵架，内心的声音就越大声。我常常在我们吵架之后我就会在想，我到底要什么？不要什么？
在这里，我想告诉爱我的你们，假如你们也爱自己，千万不要找一个一开始你内心那说 ‘ 不 ’ 而微弱的声音。这个世界 没有童话。千年的修炼才会遇上为了你而愿意改变的人。

比起雨声，我更喜欢虫鸣声 那是夏天晚上的声音。我不喜欢下雨，黑压压的天空 打雷的声音 和雨声都会让我感觉很缺乏安全感。
听了超过半年的 宫崎骏 钢琴版搭配着虫鸣声，让我觉得很安心。因为我知道 此时此刻 我被自己保护着。

刚才蹲在外面吹凉风的时候，惊觉自己好久没有抱抱自己了。我抱了抱我自己，跟自己说：让我来保护你吧。我好心疼你。

哎呀，眼泪忍不住了。

我想我上辈子一定是一条鱼，被水拥抱着。否则我怎么可能今世那么爱哭。
还是说 这几天我喝的那么多水 通过眼睛排泄出来？
在这两年里，因为我的不成熟 确实也造成了很多伤害给对方。他很少在我面前流泪，我想 比起遇到事情会哭的人，压抑着心里的委屈一定更难过吧？
谁说双鱼座不是贴心的星座？我贴心啊 我在乎啊，可是一切都取决于对方值不值得。

感谢及感恩造物主让我有这个机会去学习和磨练。
相爱是一种奢侈。愿爱我的你们，无需经历分离的痛苦 便能找到珍惜你爱你愿意温柔地与你一起奋斗。
晚安，世界。



#嘿 为什么你不要快乐
#每次看这句话心情都会很豁达
#乔乔的书让我很有力量

Dear, Myself

Dear Myself,

最近这段日子，我知道你好不快乐，知道你想了很多也压抑了很久。
为了感情的事烦了那么久，怎么还是没头绪呢？
到底应该庆幸，闭关相处那么久的你们，让你看到了更真实的他；还是应该难过 因为看到了他你知道你们还有一大段距离？
而且你深深的知道，无论是谁将迈开这一步，都是无比巨大的牺牲。
到底你是爱真正的他，还是爱着自己想象出来的他？
终于明白为什么你常常觉得自己不漂亮。亲爱的，因为你不快乐。
我觉得舒服的感情，是在不增添麻烦的情况下麻烦对方。
偶尔撒娇地想要对方帮你做一件事，是在于对方是感到幸福而在做的。可是为什么 我渐渐觉得是负担了呢？用完的厨房，永远有东西会落下 需要我来收拾；用过的东西，一定会有一两件会放不回去，需要我来收拾。每一次看着他做东西，心里总是会担心 我需不需要来收拾，而结局往往都是跟我想象的一样。


亲爱的，我知道你好不快乐。
双鱼座是个浪漫仪式感很重的人。可是我知道你为了他，也放弃了对你如此重要的事情。
到最后，你也干脆不制造任何的惊喜，因为你知道 当你也期待对方会制造惊喜给你而失望时，那一种失望  是你不想也不敢体验的痛。
今天是 5 月 20 日，你问了他 今天是什么日子，可以不可以有仪式感的庆祝？
可是最后你还是撤回信息。
你累了，你不想求别人对你好。

亲爱的，我知道你不快乐。可是我爱你，你要好好照顾自己，你很棒！

30/4/2020

我觉得我快闷出病了。最近心情越来越糟糕 很负面。
越来越打不起精神 做什么事也无精打采 更别说有什么想去完成的。基本上都在浪费时间。
人 原来关久了会生病 是真的。
还是尽量把功课在一周之内完成，毕竟这个学期的课真的很少。很想努力的进步自己，可是我觉得我快不行了。
MCO 再不结束，我可能就先结束了。
头脑越来越迟钝 越来越笨，表达能力开始变差。看什么也不觉得幽默有趣，做什么事都很懒。
疫情赶快结束吧！愿这个世界越来越好。

27/4/2020

四月转眼就快结束了，想了一下我好像也没有成就什么伟大的事情。
每一件伟大的事迹都是从平凡而小事每天坚持出来的，所以我只要每天 有学习 有练琴，我想应该也不错了啦。
我们俩又在为生活习惯吵架了。也不晓得我到底在怕什么，怕他生气吗？怕他生气了开始讨厌我离开我吗？
好累哦！我一直想要骗我自己，只要我开始忙了 他忙了，这些事情都会没事的。
可能吗？或许吧。
可是我是一个那么不会说谎话的人，同时又那么好骗。我骗得了自己一时，骗得了一世吗？
我知道我不要为了生活习惯每天都在吵架的伴侣。我想要我们的爱 不会被这么琐碎的事情而被消灭。太可笑了，我那么喜欢他，却可以因为杯子用了不洗而开始觉得自己好累。
心情莫名的开始觉得有点平静。开始喜欢听雨声 🌧️ ，觉得下雨可以把我的累给冲走。

想象中的男友 在照顾自己的女朋友的时候 总是无微不至，自动自发的。红枣茶，喜欢吃的，喝的。
每一样我想吃的，想喝的 都是我自己为自己准备的。我想，我是开始学会爱自己了吗？

25/4/2020

不晓得是不是因为月经快来了，这阵子想了很多。
我想，我又再迷失了自己，又或许我从来不了解我自己？
隔离的时间变得很漫长  让我们有好多时间可以胡思乱想。
我好吗？我优秀吗？我足够爱我自己吗？ 越想握住 却越握不住。
我的人生现在就是一团糟啊  为了逃避而逃避。最近会做梦梦到爸爸妈妈，我是爱他们的 毋庸置疑。可是我现在在干什么？我到底是在跟我自己赌气呢 还是跟他们赌气
今年 22 岁，才想要探索自己，就连自己最想控制的情绪 也控制不住。

我想，这一次的月经，一定是其中一个荷尔蒙严重缺乏了 才让我一直陷入悲观的深渊里。
我一定是想家了 因为前几天梦到了中学时候那快乐的时光。
活了 22 年，一直让我最庆幸的事情 就是我中学的朋友 在看着的你们（宝爱，殊荣）我们的关系从来不变。
即便我们在不同的地方读书，生活。即便我们遇到的事情已经不一样，可是我还是好爱你们，相信你们也是。
在这几天，我已经把我这一个月和上个月该哭的quota已经哭的差不多了。
很喜欢乔乔说过：我们常常记录自己开心的时候，那为什么难过的情绪就不会？
我想，做自己 一直都是很难的课题。在意别人的看法，在意别人的言论。在意旁人的赞美和批评从来就不是一件坏的事，那我们有办法去过滤这些言语吗？

爸爸妈妈一直都是很少哭 也很少表达自己情绪的人。可是我就是完全大相反，只要心里有什么话就一定要找人说出来不然心里憋的好辛苦。可是小时候到中学 我都是看电影不哭的人，因为我觉得看戏而已 有什么好哭的。
渐渐的，我觉得人被规定应该一直正面 一直笑 其实是很残忍的标准。
我开始努力 让我的情绪和感情在看电影的时候释放出来，以前从来没有想过，看电影感动或者难过而哭 是需要练习的。
直到现在，我听一首歌，一句话 我都会鸡皮疙瘩。科学研究 当你听到一首歌而鸡皮疙瘩 是因为你多巴胺忽然从你的脑袋大量释放。这是快乐的荷尔蒙。这是我们的情绪啊！证明我们是个有感情的人类啊！


难过的心情还是一直环绕着，不过我很快乐 即使我很难过。我过的很好，莫担心。
祝，一切安好。晚安。

送上一张，当我在听 五月天 后青春期的诗 的时候因为旋律很好听，所以感动得难过的哭了。没有想到 今晚还可以找到 一听就会爱上的旋律。

25/4/2020

呆在家的不知道第几天。
我在拍拖以前，总是会憧憬对方会为自己做很多事情，希望对方可以像刘伯温 未卜先知，自动自发的帮你做很多事情。
也不是说我残废 不能做。可是还是会希望对方 在有能力照顾好自己之余，可以把我也照顾好。

呆在家无所事事的不知道第几天。
我现在开始明白 原来三观不合就是：我现在想吃芒果，可是你却要我等到晚上才愿意切给我吃。
没事，我都自己切好了。甜滋滋的芒果，愿在看这篇文章的你，也会遇到一个三观合，且在自己的能力范围，可以马上实现你愿望，爱你的那一位。

19/4/2020

已经在家足足一个月了，假设今天还在上课 时间应该过得很快。

最近和妈妈关系变得很疏远 心里觉得妈妈外面好像有新朋友了，也不知道我和姐到底在纠结什么 嘴里一直说不逼妈妈想要说出什么话，可是行为确实很诚实的 断章取义。根本没有证实的事情 竟然还把它当成是真的一样。
记得两个星期前 打了电话给妈妈 觉得自己有可能是把一家人的关系拉近的桥梁，虽然还没做好心理准备 却还是硬着头皮想跟妈妈聊聊。
想都不用想 我根本套不出什么话。妈妈说：我很好 你们不用担心我。可是我说：一家人的关系，假设大家都不关心对方 都不跟对方说说近况，那我们还是家人吗？你会快乐吗假设身边最亲的人的消息 永远都是由别人的嘴里来告诉自己？
我妈说：没关系啊！你们不告诉我也没关系 我没差。

天晓得。有人可以告诉我，我妈是在说反话吗？
我承认，我确实被我姐影响了。我也不明白我们一家人有什么不可以坦白商量聊聊的。
可是 Daniel 问我：我是谁 我妈凭什么跟我交代，即使跟我们坦白了 我可以帮助的了什么吗？
我想，我应该除了自己自私的疑问得到了解释，好像也帮不了整件事情。
我姐一直说，假设有新朋友 为什么不要把现在的关系先处理好。不过在我看来，让大家知道这件事 我更看不到有任何帮助。
我固然心痛我爸，我也爱他，我当然希望他们俩可以好好的生活。但是如果时间可以从来，我更希望的是，我爸可以担起身为人夫，人父的责任。好好的分担家里的一切。不让我妈辛苦奋斗这么大一半辈子。
假设时间可以重来，我也觉得我爸不适合结婚。

清楚知道我自己不是一个意志很坚定的人，三观不歪，但不至于会死死坚守自己觉得的原则。我的原则常常都在听了别人说了很有道理之后改变，转移我的三观。
所以，有努力的在冥想 🧘‍♀️，看书  📖 。
最近在看的一本书 （也不是最近，已快两年了）一直提到人和人之间本来就是互惠互利，1+1 可以等于更多，而不是 2 而已。
作者提到：他妈妈从小到大都很喜欢手写信，知道他那么大了，成家立业 依然会告诉作者：I want you to know that I love you, and how wonderful I think you are.
我也不会忘记妈妈小时候问过我：如果有下辈子，还会愿意当他的女儿吗？
我说：当然啊。她回答：我也愿意。
一直内心恶魔与天使战斗，如果我们因为这件未知数 把那么多年妈妈的付出 都磨灭了，不是很可惜吗？可是我始终得不到答案。因为我现在还会生气妈妈。我生气原来我认为我们深厚的感情，连你心事我都没有资格知道。
当然我也知道，我也告诉过我妈，人不管到什么年龄，都值得被爱。
我曾跟我妈说，我人生如果没有拍到一张属于我们家的全家福，我会遗憾一辈子。可是从我妈的回复也可以知道，这么多年 他也累了。因为她回答：有没有又不要紧啦！

好久没回家了，我想念爸妈了。

31/3/2020

Day 14 of quarantine. Phase 1 ended.
It feels like 943894730410417804 years when staying at home, but at the same time I thought the days we hanged out, drinking were just like yesterday.
Time never waits, moments never wait.
I started to learn Hiragana, practise more on my flute, viola once a while, violin the least.
The more book I read, the more people I consult to, the more confuse I get.
No one can know it's own future right? Who I am? What I gonna be? What do I want?

Miserable~ miserable~

22/3/2020

Day 5 of self-quarantine.

As I was scrolling the xiaohongshu two days ago, I came across with a post, saying that how hardworking the Chinese are. That lady learns Spanish everyday and when she almost to give up, she gives herself one more day. As long as she keeps learning for one more day, she may give up. But she does not. She still learns everyday and sees a huge difference in her life.
So I was thinking, it is impossible for me to practise 2 weeks whole day, why not I learn something which is not about music?
Today is the second day I learn Japanese, progressing well. Learning Hiragana, the letter of Japanese so at least I am able to read.
The reason why I am learning language is because it might be useful in the future when I interview International School.

Being hardworking when your early 20's is not really being appreciated. But you will thank yourself in the future when you know something more than others don't.
I tend to give up and find excuses for myself easily. For the sake of my future, let's pray that I can persevere and fight till the end.

29/2/2020

Such a special day. Happens once in 4 years, and the day I bought viola.
After waiting for so long ( 1 month ) and I brought it back. I didn't lie.
Daniel dumped me for party. I am alone in the house. It feels weird because normally he will be waiting for me to come home but I feel good at the same time. So long since I am with me, myself.

I texted mom this afternoon, I do appreciate mom for being supportive all the time when I'm chasing my dreams.
She never stops me from believing what I can and capable of. Drove me to Penang just for violin lesson since I was standard 5 until I completed my form 6, waited me during the lessons and rehearsals in orchestra. Rushed here and there just to make sure I could reach home as early as possible either for sleep (late night) or to school.
Saved up to RM5000 just in case I needed to change a new violin (from size 3/4 to 7/8).
Last few months I told her that I wanted to buy a viola, such a waste if I stop playing. She asked me to give her some time and I expected to wait perhaps 5-6 months more?
But she gave me the money in CNY, asked me to go buy it.

In first year, I needed to buy flute as I was taking secondary instrument. Without hesitate, she gave me RM1500 to buy it.
Will never forget the sacrifice and love of mom, and I will work harder not to disappoint her. Love you mom.

24/2/2020

Thanks to Corono virus, school reopens in March, my birthday month!
Everything is goood, I have time to rest and feeling energetic for the coming semester.
It is definitely one of the most important sem in these 3 years, the sem that decides whether I'm gonna write thesis or being recitalist.
Of course I want to have my own recital next year and I am excited and nervous at the same time.
I am kind of into chamber music these days. It brings more meanings instead of with a conductor standing in front. Because I want to have my own interpretation and ideas. Without anyone standing in front to lead us, it feels so much better tho.
But, it only applies to when I'm playing.

1/2/2020

Just having drinks with my old friends, with that super damn disgusting yogurt drinks.
But it was a good outing, we talked and laughed a lot.
I had a good movie today, The Devil wears Prada.

Just had a small conversation with Daniel, telling him that I'm kind of stress to coach the string ensemble as they are having 10th anniversary concert in June, which is about 400 audiences.
He told me, never use your emotional to judge things and don't let your fear controls you.
Think of what you can do and just do it.

Just come across with a quote: The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself; I am not what happened to me. I am who I choose to become.

I chose this path, I wanted it to happen. I wanted to improve my playing in violin, I wanted to coach an ensemble, I wanted to get flute exam, I wanted to buy viola and play it in KLPAC. I wanted to learn as much as possible so that I can be better than anyone else, so that I have lesser chance to beg people, so that I am capable to accept any opportunity that anyone else can't.

I want to excel in music industry but I never do my best in everything. I am not honest to myself.
I treat every performance opportunity like a gamble. I treated it like I am lucky not to screw it up.
I am not transparent to myself.

I look down on those people who complain about sleeping during exam week, never study well in exam, but never had i thought, I am one of them.

Sometimes I question myself, is that worth for?
People with not that much education are living better than me, is that worth for me to work like that?
But never had i thought, no one is the same. I am not anyone, I have my dream to catch, I have my path to go.

New Year Resolution

In 2020, I want to achieve:

1) Work hard for  my Flute Grade 5 cert with at least merit.

2) Work hard together with the kids (string ensemble).

3) Work hard to get Recitalist. ( Arrange few different programs for my recital )

4) Have stable income.

5) Build my mentality.

30/1/2020

Time flies. January has come to the end with a blink of eyes.
It was indeed not a good start of a year as so many disasters have happened.
Bushfire in Australia, Corona virus in Wuhan.
Blessed that we are still together, healthily and peacefully.
I have spent my holiday at home, sleep all the time and study.
Went out with mom today, we bought some stationary, telling her that I have difficulty in choosing the mechanical pencil, she said, buy a cheap one and expensive one. Use the cheap one when you're practising, and expensive one when you feel like using it. And she bought herself a pencil case.
Then we went look for monkey cup ( as I always want to have it! ) But unfortunately, they don't sell.

See, how ordinary my life is, but both of us feel so happy and full (with warm heart) because we spent time together and just to get our things and that's it.
Life just feels so good after all.
We laughed, talked and giggled. That's it.

Mum cooked us porridge yesterday as papa requested. She cooked just the right portion and when papa saw the portion of the porridge might not be enough, he straight snapped.
Shouted to mum saying that she never knew how to agak the portion and every time cook less.
Mum then gave him her porridge and cooked another bowl of noodles.
Papa ate two bowls of the porridge. And I joined mum dinner when she was done.
Such a small action of his, ruined a decent dinner.
I don't understand. How could you be so ungrateful to things that someone has done to you. Without showing appreciation, still want to raise the voice to someone has worked hard.

One of my wishes is to have a real, proper family photo. I want all of us can show how much we care to each other. Life is so short, why do we need to hide our feelings to others and let them to guess?

Anyhow, I love my life, love my parents, family, chicken,  good friends.
Be kind, my love.

Showing your love isn't shameful at all.