Yayyy Christmas is on tomorrow and I've done my jury exam yesterday, preparing for mini recital on friday.
Having Zheng Wei practised with me yesterday on Sarasate which I appreciated a lot. We worked on it for continuous 2.5 hours and followed by the practise of four strings and at night, Dr Nasir's gig.
Chicken brought me KFC yesterday which made me happy. Simple yet grateful dinner.
Thank you everyone who came into my life, and thank you for walked out of my life too in 2019.
A big thank you to my parents, family friends and CHICKEN especially for all the guidance have been given.
And finally a big big big thank you to myself, never stop learning, never stop going for what you want and rock with it.
I've gotten small small achievements, MPYO audition, flute accompany, learning conducting, accepted the challenge to play double and triple stops Bach unaccompanied Siciliano, mentally grown up a little bit, found job.
Thank you 2019, you have been a fantastic year despite those downs.
2019年12月23日星期一
2019年12月13日星期五
13/12/2019
As usual, I'm busy with my studies. Final is coming.
Exams, mini recital, string orchestra everything are coming together. Barely survive.
I had a conversation with a conductor in Taylor, Sunny, and when he knew I'm interested in conducting, he immediately offered me that I can go to observe Taylor orchestra first and when my skills are mature enough, I am able to conduct the orchestra.
I am so happy and excited and this is really out of my planning in 2019. Learning conducting, getting the offers from conductor, arranger is such an honour!
2019 is gonna end soon, as usual, I will give myself a report of how is the progress of myself.
So far so good this year, time flies. I've done a lot of bad things, good deed (as i remember i assisted an old guy around 60-70yo in KLCC after my MPYO audition on buying the LRT ticket and surprisingly he is from Spain. We had a good talk and he did cheer my day too), and grow a lot.
Can't express how grateful I am for having a boyfriend aka. life couch which is annoying sometimes and he gets tired of my childishness sometimes.
The determination on controlling my own mind an emotions are getting stronger, which I'm really happy about it.
Distance between good friends getting apart but I guess it is a challenge to me, for letting me be more clear that who is sincere and willing to stay with me despite all the flaws.
It's a tough year for everyone, but at least people around me are happy and healthy.
Exams, mini recital, string orchestra everything are coming together. Barely survive.
I had a conversation with a conductor in Taylor, Sunny, and when he knew I'm interested in conducting, he immediately offered me that I can go to observe Taylor orchestra first and when my skills are mature enough, I am able to conduct the orchestra.
I am so happy and excited and this is really out of my planning in 2019. Learning conducting, getting the offers from conductor, arranger is such an honour!
2019 is gonna end soon, as usual, I will give myself a report of how is the progress of myself.
So far so good this year, time flies. I've done a lot of bad things, good deed (as i remember i assisted an old guy around 60-70yo in KLCC after my MPYO audition on buying the LRT ticket and surprisingly he is from Spain. We had a good talk and he did cheer my day too), and grow a lot.
Can't express how grateful I am for having a boyfriend aka. life couch which is annoying sometimes and he gets tired of my childishness sometimes.
The determination on controlling my own mind an emotions are getting stronger, which I'm really happy about it.
Distance between good friends getting apart but I guess it is a challenge to me, for letting me be more clear that who is sincere and willing to stay with me despite all the flaws.
It's a tough year for everyone, but at least people around me are happy and healthy.
2019年11月15日星期五
15/11/2019
有好一段时间都没有那么感动了 我收到了好多人的祝福 好多相信我的人 给我好多的鼓励和信心。
有一些朋友还很贴心的记得了我明天重大的日子 MPYO audition 和晚上 band recruitment 的表演。
压抑了自己好一个多月 每一天的紧张和压力就是为了这个星期的表演。Weekly Recital 结束了 剩下的就只有这两个events。
一直只会说别人对自己的人生很迷茫 可是我又何尝不是呢？
脚步太快 以为下定决心就往前冲 可是跑的太快让我的重心不稳 冲的战战兢兢。
我知道我自己要什么不要什么 可是我不知道要用什么对的方法去做 很无奈。
有时候我在想 怎么每一次因为课业而情绪快爆发的时候 我们都会吵架 每一次我都会哭得死去活来，觉得委屈。
最近散播了很多负面能量给好多人 觉得很内疚。本来自己的情绪就应该自己消化。可是也找不到任何方法。
每一天躲在琴房那种压抑的感觉让我很窒息。虽然做着自己很享受的事情 我也感到很开心 不过还是会希望压力有出口可以发泄。
很感恩 jiamin 在晚上送了杯水果茶，感恩jiamin 送的老婆饼对我说 加油 这句话。感恩 daniel 对我说了我应该放轻松的话。
2019年11月5日星期二
Improvement
Yay, there is a lil bit of improvement of myself in controlling my own emotions.
At least I'm manage to calm myself down despite the waves of emotions in my heart.
Was trying to get some attention from chicken when he was playing games after I watched a cute couple video ( about their interaction daily life ).
Was staring at him for few seconds and he said: 不要这样！很烦！
"................"
Alrighty. Sorry.
At least I'm manage to calm myself down despite the waves of emotions in my heart.
Was trying to get some attention from chicken when he was playing games after I watched a cute couple video ( about their interaction daily life ).
Was staring at him for few seconds and he said: 不要这样！很烦！
"................"
Alrighty. Sorry.
2019年11月3日星期日
4/11/2019
Lost in my own minds, getting used to it these days.
Eagerly to find out every solutions for my own problems in my mind, but seems like solutions do not come this way as I wish.
Getting busier and busier but more me time when I am studying or driving. Brain seems like operating all the time which I think is good and observations are stronger. Recognising everything as a performance makes the life interesting.
Couldn't be more grateful for my life as I am packed with performance, auditions, practises which I loveee it. Despite the stress, I love what I'm doing right now.
Am listening to Joe Hisaishi recordings all the time, my heart feels so full. Filled with energy, feelings, love and passion.
I have learned so many values from chicken, I thought I was, but sadly I'm not the one he wants.
So many thoughts come across my mind and I am sincerely thankful for his honesty. It was like a slap for me, wake me up when I was still wandering and dreaming in my own mind.
Yepp, still can't figure out how life goes on, which I will never be. Still feeling miserable, stress, sad, not confident. But life goes on right? Positive attraction right? I'm still doing good temporary. Everything is gonna be fine. Love, xoxo.
Eagerly to find out every solutions for my own problems in my mind, but seems like solutions do not come this way as I wish.
Getting busier and busier but more me time when I am studying or driving. Brain seems like operating all the time which I think is good and observations are stronger. Recognising everything as a performance makes the life interesting.
Couldn't be more grateful for my life as I am packed with performance, auditions, practises which I loveee it. Despite the stress, I love what I'm doing right now.
Am listening to Joe Hisaishi recordings all the time, my heart feels so full. Filled with energy, feelings, love and passion.
I have learned so many values from chicken, I thought I was, but sadly I'm not the one he wants.
So many thoughts come across my mind and I am sincerely thankful for his honesty. It was like a slap for me, wake me up when I was still wandering and dreaming in my own mind.
Yepp, still can't figure out how life goes on, which I will never be. Still feeling miserable, stress, sad, not confident. But life goes on right? Positive attraction right? I'm still doing good temporary. Everything is gonna be fine. Love, xoxo.
2019年10月30日星期三
Stressful weeks
It has been hectic weeks for me and the stress is getting more and more.
All the due dates are in the same week give me no chill time at all.
Partly I am enjoying the busyness, but my mentally cannot cope with it. Having high expectation of myself makes me almost suffocate, at the cliff of a big breakdown.
The stress is making me emotionally unstable which I am not purposely hurt people around me, but I regret most of the time after raising my voice.
There is no way for me to release my stress at all and it is making me even more stressful.
I feel useless and shameful most of the time because things i plan do not go the way I wanted it to be.
And CHICKEN! still wants me to massage after I am so tired tired tired. Shouldn't you come and help me massage?
Having some issues with a very closed friend of mine, at least i treat him as my real friend.
But seems like he is not, trying to keep distance from me after I had a little breakdown with him.
And that's not what we call friend right? I thought a real friend is someone beside you when you need them the most?
But I am not interested with what he is thinking. It's okay to let people exit from my life, people come and go.
When the timing is right, everything seems perfectly fine. But although sometimes it's not, I'm still okay with it.
I know there are a lot of people love as well.
To be frank, it hurts me a little bit when seeing people leave without a proper goodbye.
Anyhow, focus on myself, that's the important thing I should do.
See, I am overthinking again. But that's me isn't it?
All the due dates are in the same week give me no chill time at all.
Partly I am enjoying the busyness, but my mentally cannot cope with it. Having high expectation of myself makes me almost suffocate, at the cliff of a big breakdown.
The stress is making me emotionally unstable which I am not purposely hurt people around me, but I regret most of the time after raising my voice.
There is no way for me to release my stress at all and it is making me even more stressful.
I feel useless and shameful most of the time because things i plan do not go the way I wanted it to be.
And CHICKEN! still wants me to massage after I am so tired tired tired. Shouldn't you come and help me massage?
Having some issues with a very closed friend of mine, at least i treat him as my real friend.
But seems like he is not, trying to keep distance from me after I had a little breakdown with him.
And that's not what we call friend right? I thought a real friend is someone beside you when you need them the most?
But I am not interested with what he is thinking. It's okay to let people exit from my life, people come and go.
When the timing is right, everything seems perfectly fine. But although sometimes it's not, I'm still okay with it.
I know there are a lot of people love as well.
To be frank, it hurts me a little bit when seeing people leave without a proper goodbye.
Anyhow, focus on myself, that's the important thing I should do.
See, I am overthinking again. But that's me isn't it?
2019年10月15日星期二
16/10/2019
It has been hectic months for me since semester 3 started. A lot of performances and workshops, classes, songs that are going on which I enjoy a lot.
But thankfully I have the chance to sit down and write my blog, able to do some prep first before going to english lesson later.
Been stressed up on my work, not about the workload, but the salary. Was desperate in looking for the pay that I'm satisfied with. I definitely need the money to cover up my private lesson that I'm passionate about.
At the same time I am so angry with myself for agreeing the pay at the very first, all is because myself. But I need to release my anger and stress somewhere, which I cant really tell a lot to Daniel as he will think I'm not mature enough and he has been repeating the same thing to me all the time. But what i want is not the lecture, I know what i should keep in mind and i just need someone to soothe my emotion at the moment, but i dont dare to request. Because i am not mature enough.
Being angry with myself all the time because i keep making wrong decisions. But i read a quote, it said: Do something that makes you proud of your own decision, even it was wrong in the beginning.
Trying to cope with my own emotions first, which is the first thing that I have to do it.
PS: In case you dont know, chicken, i keep all your words in my mind, and i am working on it, maybe it is slow, but i am. Dont lose hope on me, I am doing my best to grow up. :(
2019年9月19日星期四
19/09/2019
Class got cancelled due to haze. It's getting more serious and is affecting all of us. I'm kinda lucky as I'm taking supplement, unless a bit headache when I'm outdoor.
These few weeks are kind of down, right side of my hips is not doing good, it is painful sometimes, making my uneasy.
But the main problem is, I have difficulty in practising violin, my posture isn't correct, my neck and shoulder get tense and really really fed up when practising. It never feels alright whenever I play it. And the song that I'm not really working on it is very hard. My muscles will be electrocuted if i do not stop after playing like 15 mins, and it really affects me so much.
Everything feels so wrong and i don't know how to solve it, asking my lecturer and she said i have to practise how to relax, but what can i do? How long do i need to take? I ain't got much time though.
These while i feel so emotional when I am approached with songs related to war. To my comrades that song that we are working on it for the peace month project in my band, is the best song I've ever heard and it is just PERFECT. I can't describe how good it is, and how emotional it meant to me. Not sure is because of the members or the conductor or the song. But I do really enjoy it.
Recently I'm working with a music centre, they request me to teach 12 hours per week and the salary is quite low. I'm having real dilemma, feel that I'm unworthy enough to get 'appropriate pay' but I can't keep telling everyone how unsatisfied I am because I am the one who agree with all of these.
But changing my mind, telling myself that I am accumulating my own experience and reputation.
What I can do is just, doing my part with what I can do.
It's year 2 sem 1 week 2 and I did well. Survived.
Not sure if I've mentioned that in October I'm going to have conducting class with Mr Lee, but I'd just like to mention again.
How grateful I am that I am able to learn conducting with him, that I am finally step one stop out of my comfort zone, learning new thing, and one step nearer to my dream.
Although I keep complaining the job, I am soooo thankful it comes with the good timing.
Mama doesn't have to work so hard for giving me money. I have my own a little bit.
Almost giving up with my violin, this thought keeps popping out in my mind, but I believe in myself.
With the ups and downs I've encountered previously, this time should not be a big problem to me too!
Good Day, xoxo
These few weeks are kind of down, right side of my hips is not doing good, it is painful sometimes, making my uneasy.
But the main problem is, I have difficulty in practising violin, my posture isn't correct, my neck and shoulder get tense and really really fed up when practising. It never feels alright whenever I play it. And the song that I'm not really working on it is very hard. My muscles will be electrocuted if i do not stop after playing like 15 mins, and it really affects me so much.
Everything feels so wrong and i don't know how to solve it, asking my lecturer and she said i have to practise how to relax, but what can i do? How long do i need to take? I ain't got much time though.
These while i feel so emotional when I am approached with songs related to war. To my comrades that song that we are working on it for the peace month project in my band, is the best song I've ever heard and it is just PERFECT. I can't describe how good it is, and how emotional it meant to me. Not sure is because of the members or the conductor or the song. But I do really enjoy it.
Recently I'm working with a music centre, they request me to teach 12 hours per week and the salary is quite low. I'm having real dilemma, feel that I'm unworthy enough to get 'appropriate pay' but I can't keep telling everyone how unsatisfied I am because I am the one who agree with all of these.
But changing my mind, telling myself that I am accumulating my own experience and reputation.
What I can do is just, doing my part with what I can do.
It's year 2 sem 1 week 2 and I did well. Survived.
Not sure if I've mentioned that in October I'm going to have conducting class with Mr Lee, but I'd just like to mention again.
How grateful I am that I am able to learn conducting with him, that I am finally step one stop out of my comfort zone, learning new thing, and one step nearer to my dream.
Although I keep complaining the job, I am soooo thankful it comes with the good timing.
Mama doesn't have to work so hard for giving me money. I have my own a little bit.
Almost giving up with my violin, this thought keeps popping out in my mind, but I believe in myself.
With the ups and downs I've encountered previously, this time should not be a big problem to me too!
Good Day, xoxo
2019年9月5日星期四
6/9/2019
It's gonna start my year 2 in few days more, not feeling excited, but ready to face the challenge. I know it's gonna be hard, but I am ready.
Packed myself with few activities and keep myself occupied.
Not in a good mood, just argued with chicken, but I know I have tonnes of things to do today.
Good Day everybody.
Packed myself with few activities and keep myself occupied.
Not in a good mood, just argued with chicken, but I know I have tonnes of things to do today.
Good Day everybody.
2019年8月6日星期二
7/8/2019
The second week staying in new room which is comfy and nice.
Listening to the song- To My Comrade and watching No Regrets TVB movie recently. Having very indescribable feelings towards Japan and war.
We are having performance on September for the peace month, and playing To My Comrade.
The feelings are weird and complicated with the ups and downs of the song, the part the army went for the war, they were fighting, they won, and the racquem for those who died in the war.
Everything is fine recently, everyone is doing good and me too.
Chicken sayang me a lot, like yesterday he bought me strawberry milk because he knew i love it, and he was damn tired when we got home and i accidentally spilled the strawberry milk, without raising his voice and scolded me, he just cleaned up and asked me to be careful next time.
There are so many little details in our daily life which I appreciate a lot.
Listening to the song- To My Comrade and watching No Regrets TVB movie recently. Having very indescribable feelings towards Japan and war.
We are having performance on September for the peace month, and playing To My Comrade.
The feelings are weird and complicated with the ups and downs of the song, the part the army went for the war, they were fighting, they won, and the racquem for those who died in the war.
Everything is fine recently, everyone is doing good and me too.
Chicken sayang me a lot, like yesterday he bought me strawberry milk because he knew i love it, and he was damn tired when we got home and i accidentally spilled the strawberry milk, without raising his voice and scolded me, he just cleaned up and asked me to be careful next time.
There are so many little details in our daily life which I appreciate a lot.
2019年7月26日星期五
27/7/2019
Woohoo Been in sembreak for two months already, being useless all the time, but it's fine. Mom said i need to relax.
Coming back hometown for almost 3 weeks and I miss chicken so much and I think I've forgotten how he looks like.
Spending a lot of time in house because I have no friends but luckily Poh Ai is with me everyday, playing with me.
The pieces for next sem I am not done yet, leaving it like forever because I see no improvement and kinda give up.
Practising my flute as well and prepare some teaching material for the next job.
Been stressed out a lil bit as I'm preparing a lot of new teaching materials which all i have not done it before in my life ever.
Bought a lot of things in hometown so that i can bring back to kl, bought armpit whitening cream, whitening toothpaste, shampoo conditioner, deodorant.
I am so happy ~
Coming back hometown for almost 3 weeks and I miss chicken so much and I think I've forgotten how he looks like.
Spending a lot of time in house because I have no friends but luckily Poh Ai is with me everyday, playing with me.
The pieces for next sem I am not done yet, leaving it like forever because I see no improvement and kinda give up.
Practising my flute as well and prepare some teaching material for the next job.
Been stressed out a lil bit as I'm preparing a lot of new teaching materials which all i have not done it before in my life ever.
Bought a lot of things in hometown so that i can bring back to kl, bought armpit whitening cream, whitening toothpaste, shampoo conditioner, deodorant.
I am so happy ~
2019年5月28日星期二
29/5/2019
It has been a hectic week for me, having few exams this week, and the most importantly, final jury is on tomorrow.
Everyone is competing for the practise room, and I'm not included. Therefore I'm alone enjoying my sweet time in room.
Time flies. We are gonna end our first year in two more weeks and juniors are coming.
Enjoying the time at here very much, as I'm doing things I love. Love what you do, Do what you love.
Last few days, after dinner with chicken, we had a walk near Ampang point there. We spotted a stranger, Indian lady around age 50+ sleeping at the corridor of the shop, she looked dirty and it seemed to me she has no place to go.
I asked chicken whether should we buy food for her, who knows she might be starving.
Hence we went to dabao fried rice vermicelli and one bottle of mineral water.
When chicken put the food beside and we left, she immediately stood up and threw the food to the street.
It was a shock for me as I had never mentally prepared she'd do that.
Daniel asked me, what I was thinking and I replied: Is that possibly because of someone's ego and pride and make you not to accept people's help even you're in desperate?
He replied: Not necessarily, you have no idea what that person has gone through in his life. You cannot judge people like that.
What a big impact for me, if I were given the chance to buy food for that lady again if I knew she would throw my food, to be honest, I wouldn't. As I am not rich nor wealthy. I'm struggling too, but because I thought she would have needed help more than me, so I tried to help as much as I can.
Life may be cruel to you, but the kindness and passion towards life shouldn't be put off.
Love is the only way.
Everyone is competing for the practise room, and I'm not included. Therefore I'm alone enjoying my sweet time in room.
Time flies. We are gonna end our first year in two more weeks and juniors are coming.
Enjoying the time at here very much, as I'm doing things I love. Love what you do, Do what you love.
Last few days, after dinner with chicken, we had a walk near Ampang point there. We spotted a stranger, Indian lady around age 50+ sleeping at the corridor of the shop, she looked dirty and it seemed to me she has no place to go.
I asked chicken whether should we buy food for her, who knows she might be starving.
Hence we went to dabao fried rice vermicelli and one bottle of mineral water.
When chicken put the food beside and we left, she immediately stood up and threw the food to the street.
It was a shock for me as I had never mentally prepared she'd do that.
Daniel asked me, what I was thinking and I replied: Is that possibly because of someone's ego and pride and make you not to accept people's help even you're in desperate?
He replied: Not necessarily, you have no idea what that person has gone through in his life. You cannot judge people like that.
What a big impact for me, if I were given the chance to buy food for that lady again if I knew she would throw my food, to be honest, I wouldn't. As I am not rich nor wealthy. I'm struggling too, but because I thought she would have needed help more than me, so I tried to help as much as I can.
Life may be cruel to you, but the kindness and passion towards life shouldn't be put off.
Love is the only way.
2019年5月16日星期四
16/5/2019
First year second semester is gonna end soon. Am quite rushing with all the final assignments.
So does finding room to move out.
I am gonna finish my first year here and left two more years. Still having passion with conducting although I know it's a real hard journey ahead me. Struggling and afraid, but I bring my passion and hope together with me, believe in myself that I am capable to do and achieve what I want.
Aim higher and higher, at least you will not drop on the ground if you miss your goal.
Trying to be better person, trying to surround myself with good-inner-value person, learning all the mistakes from others to remind myself not to do this anymore, accept others' flaws who I think is worthy.
Knowing I have plenty of plans and missions ahead me and I will not get lost one day. Follow your heart and your mind, be grateful of doing everything you're doing.
If you can't get the joy of doing it, at least you have to learn something from it.
Negativity is one of the important ingredients in your life in order to make everything correct.
Without anger, hatred and disappointments, you will not know how good you're doing right now.
It's okay to feel down and break down sometimes, it's okay to burst into tears. That's perfectly fine. But you have to be clear of what you're doing right now. Bear in mind all the disappointments that make you now and be stronger when you stand up.
I can't bear or make your burden lesser but hoping my words can make you feel better when you need some inspirations.
Am analysing myself why do I feel offended or even angry when someone makes bad comments about me. And found out because deeply I feel the same. That's why.
When someone talks bad about you and make you feel down, the reason you feel sad is because what your mind is thinking is exactly the same. You feel embarrassed.
So, accept who you are and all your flaws. Keep working on it. That's why you are here at this stage of your life, not doing anything else but staying here working on things that you're not really good at. It's okay dear, we learn, we try, get comment and we keep working on it until we are good enough.
I hope I can give you some inspiration of loving and believing on yourself more because you worth it.
You deserve a good life in the future because of what you're trying so hard right now.
You deserve someone to love you not because of your look but your inner values that bring so much of positive energy to people around you.
Be a warm and kind person when the world is not.
You deserve my love and trust on you.
Keep learning and never give up. xoxo
So does finding room to move out.
I am gonna finish my first year here and left two more years. Still having passion with conducting although I know it's a real hard journey ahead me. Struggling and afraid, but I bring my passion and hope together with me, believe in myself that I am capable to do and achieve what I want.
Aim higher and higher, at least you will not drop on the ground if you miss your goal.
Trying to be better person, trying to surround myself with good-inner-value person, learning all the mistakes from others to remind myself not to do this anymore, accept others' flaws who I think is worthy.
Knowing I have plenty of plans and missions ahead me and I will not get lost one day. Follow your heart and your mind, be grateful of doing everything you're doing.
If you can't get the joy of doing it, at least you have to learn something from it.
Negativity is one of the important ingredients in your life in order to make everything correct.
Without anger, hatred and disappointments, you will not know how good you're doing right now.
It's okay to feel down and break down sometimes, it's okay to burst into tears. That's perfectly fine. But you have to be clear of what you're doing right now. Bear in mind all the disappointments that make you now and be stronger when you stand up.
I can't bear or make your burden lesser but hoping my words can make you feel better when you need some inspirations.
Am analysing myself why do I feel offended or even angry when someone makes bad comments about me. And found out because deeply I feel the same. That's why.
When someone talks bad about you and make you feel down, the reason you feel sad is because what your mind is thinking is exactly the same. You feel embarrassed.
So, accept who you are and all your flaws. Keep working on it. That's why you are here at this stage of your life, not doing anything else but staying here working on things that you're not really good at. It's okay dear, we learn, we try, get comment and we keep working on it until we are good enough.
I hope I can give you some inspiration of loving and believing on yourself more because you worth it.
You deserve a good life in the future because of what you're trying so hard right now.
You deserve someone to love you not because of your look but your inner values that bring so much of positive energy to people around you.
Be a warm and kind person when the world is not.
You deserve my love and trust on you.
Keep learning and never give up. xoxo
2019年2月25日星期一
25/2/2019
It's coming to the end of February. It's not only the beginning of 2019 anymore.
Still procrastinating all the time which makes myself even guilty and insecure.
Spending most of my time with Daniel makes me the most blessed person in the world. Even with all the flaws he has, so do I. Most of the time I'll still question myself whether does he worth enough.
After all these while, I still love him more and more.
He is always that person who tolerates with all my ridiculous in our relationship.
I miss him right now, despite the distance isn't that far, how much I wish I can share with his burden and we can be carefree to enjoy our life.
Chicken, if you're reading this. Just to let you know I am being annoying, insecure, cute and grumpy all the time, but I love you. xoxo
Everything is gonna be better.
2019年2月14日星期四
Valentine's Day
It was the first time I truly knew what does Valentine's Day mean for. But, we did not really have a good day tho.
I was hoping to receive flowers from chicken and expecting he would plan the V-day early. But seemed like he didn't have any ideas. So I kept waiting and asked him when we were heading to the national museum.
I asked him: Do you prepare any flowers? ( As I had already given him so many hints that I wanted a bouquet of flowers, no matter it is any big day)
He replied: No, it's not worthy. The flowers will die in few days.
Just because of his words, it ruined my whole afternoon as this was exactly same like what I've expected. So I was thinking, I've been with you through all your big ups and downs yet I don't deserve a bouquet of flowers. This mindset has been stick still in my heart for the whole afternoon. I was really feeling hopeless to this guy, I was thinking.
So, on our way from national museum to butterfly farm, I couldn't help thinking all these while, the sacrifices I've put, and those efforts, yet he didn't wanna give me the flower. HAHAH
So, I didn't say anything, refused to hold his hand, as a silent protest. He stopped a few times to check on me whether I was too tired, why was I behaving so weird. I said nothing.
Then, I asked him: Don't you feel sorry to me? Been with you almost one year and during this big day I am only requesting for flower and you said it's not worthy.
Situation remained until we went to Pavilion mall, and he bought me the Mac lipstick that I've been longing for, and dragged me to the cinema asked me to choose one, but since I'm not into any of it, we left. He patiently talked to me that actually he had planned all of it, but because based on the timeline of Valentine's Day, flowers should be given during dinner. When we had our dinner, he used the excuse going to washroom to poopoo, but I knew it. Finally, a bouquet of flowers was finally reach.
3 roses, he said: it means I love you. With beige rose: charm, thoughtfulness, perfection, white rose: innocent, purity and youthfulness, pink rose: elegance, grace and sweetness.
Before sleep time, we ended our Valentine's Day with the rosè wine. Sweet night.
Love you baby. xoxo
I was hoping to receive flowers from chicken and expecting he would plan the V-day early. But seemed like he didn't have any ideas. So I kept waiting and asked him when we were heading to the national museum.
I asked him: Do you prepare any flowers? ( As I had already given him so many hints that I wanted a bouquet of flowers, no matter it is any big day)
He replied: No, it's not worthy. The flowers will die in few days.
Just because of his words, it ruined my whole afternoon as this was exactly same like what I've expected. So I was thinking, I've been with you through all your big ups and downs yet I don't deserve a bouquet of flowers. This mindset has been stick still in my heart for the whole afternoon. I was really feeling hopeless to this guy, I was thinking.
So, on our way from national museum to butterfly farm, I couldn't help thinking all these while, the sacrifices I've put, and those efforts, yet he didn't wanna give me the flower. HAHAH
So, I didn't say anything, refused to hold his hand, as a silent protest. He stopped a few times to check on me whether I was too tired, why was I behaving so weird. I said nothing.
Then, I asked him: Don't you feel sorry to me? Been with you almost one year and during this big day I am only requesting for flower and you said it's not worthy.
Situation remained until we went to Pavilion mall, and he bought me the Mac lipstick that I've been longing for, and dragged me to the cinema asked me to choose one, but since I'm not into any of it, we left. He patiently talked to me that actually he had planned all of it, but because based on the timeline of Valentine's Day, flowers should be given during dinner. When we had our dinner, he used the excuse going to washroom to poopoo, but I knew it. Finally, a bouquet of flowers was finally reach.
3 roses, he said: it means I love you. With beige rose: charm, thoughtfulness, perfection, white rose: innocent, purity and youthfulness, pink rose: elegance, grace and sweetness.
Before sleep time, we ended our Valentine's Day with the rosè wine. Sweet night.
Love you baby. xoxo
2019年1月10日星期四
10/1/2019
这几天我们吵了很多很多次的大架，从来没有那么愤怒和委屈的心情 可能压抑了一段时间终于爆发。
从我的角度是 我觉得自己被忽略了好一大段时间，一直以来期待有天会收到惊喜也因为没有收过而慢慢变成怨气。因为当我自己很多次的自己去完成自己想要做的事情和想吃的食物的时候都特别特别想要和他一起去分享 所以也开始觉得怨恨的为什么他从来没有带我去吃过。
自认为自己为他付出很多的 也持续强迫他做我想要的事情 而他做不到的时候我就会用我不满和生气的心情来情绪勒索他要完成。
自己一直钻牛角尖的再思考同样的事情 和争吵同样的事情。这样的性格让他觉得我很不成熟和幼稚 觉得我没有必要一直翻旧账 来断定他不会改变，他就是这样的人。
可是 当每次说下承诺又没有去完成，心情像过山车又期待开心而换来的都是失望和挫折，事情一次一次的发生，我可以忘掉以前的事情 然后在新的承诺又种下的时候 没有任何的质疑吗？因为我会质疑承诺 所以我不成熟。他是这样想的。
因为我不能体谅他从早忙到晚 连一封早安或者你吃了吗的信息都没有的时候，我发脾气。对他来说，我依然是幼稚。
对他来说 我就应该在他忙的时候 我不该有任何的小情绪，不应该闹脾气，而是体谅和包容他长期的，整天的，忽略我。
曾经的他说：你真的很不会爱自己。因为这句话我生气了他一天，因为他完完全全说出了我最害怕面对的事情。因为我的重心已经不在自己身上了。
可能吧，因为已经忘记怎样不要太在乎他 所以忘了怎样去自私一点的爱自己。所以也根本就忘了怎么爱一个人。因为自己想象中的爱情和现实不一样 所以就会把自己的想象尝试去改变，可是却忘记了改变一个人根本是不可能的，所以觉得自己不被爱。
这几天因为他的公司出了点事 所以这五天以来我的情绪 从来没有真正的去化解，需要自己慢慢的消化 老实说真的很辛苦。我很害怕哪一天我可以很冷静和冷淡的 不会有任何情绪 就是我真的放下的时候。
因为任然觉得自己很委屈，所以暂时的我还是没有办法站在他的角度去思考。很抱歉。
从我的角度是 我觉得自己被忽略了好一大段时间，一直以来期待有天会收到惊喜也因为没有收过而慢慢变成怨气。因为当我自己很多次的自己去完成自己想要做的事情和想吃的食物的时候都特别特别想要和他一起去分享 所以也开始觉得怨恨的为什么他从来没有带我去吃过。
自认为自己为他付出很多的 也持续强迫他做我想要的事情 而他做不到的时候我就会用我不满和生气的心情来情绪勒索他要完成。
自己一直钻牛角尖的再思考同样的事情 和争吵同样的事情。这样的性格让他觉得我很不成熟和幼稚 觉得我没有必要一直翻旧账 来断定他不会改变，他就是这样的人。
可是 当每次说下承诺又没有去完成，心情像过山车又期待开心而换来的都是失望和挫折，事情一次一次的发生，我可以忘掉以前的事情 然后在新的承诺又种下的时候 没有任何的质疑吗？因为我会质疑承诺 所以我不成熟。他是这样想的。
因为我不能体谅他从早忙到晚 连一封早安或者你吃了吗的信息都没有的时候，我发脾气。对他来说，我依然是幼稚。
对他来说 我就应该在他忙的时候 我不该有任何的小情绪，不应该闹脾气，而是体谅和包容他长期的，整天的，忽略我。
曾经的他说：你真的很不会爱自己。因为这句话我生气了他一天，因为他完完全全说出了我最害怕面对的事情。因为我的重心已经不在自己身上了。
可能吧，因为已经忘记怎样不要太在乎他 所以忘了怎样去自私一点的爱自己。所以也根本就忘了怎么爱一个人。因为自己想象中的爱情和现实不一样 所以就会把自己的想象尝试去改变，可是却忘记了改变一个人根本是不可能的，所以觉得自己不被爱。
这几天因为他的公司出了点事 所以这五天以来我的情绪 从来没有真正的去化解，需要自己慢慢的消化 老实说真的很辛苦。我很害怕哪一天我可以很冷静和冷淡的 不会有任何情绪 就是我真的放下的时候。
因为任然觉得自己很委屈，所以暂时的我还是没有办法站在他的角度去思考。很抱歉。
2019年1月5日星期六
DAY 121
I think my PMS is coming that’s why i feel so frustrated and angry with everything.
Or is it because I’ve been hiding my own feelings deep down just to reduce a lot of arguments?
Or is it truly because I’ve been giving in too much until no one appreciates?
It has been almost third month spending time here at Ampang with the very nice view, comfort and high standard place. Which I’m really grateful about it compares to my hostel.
And the most importantly is I’m able to spend a lot of time with chicken, which I’ve been expecting this life for quite some time.
But, staying together sometimes is not as easy as you think at all. There are so many differences in living lifestyle, personal habits and hygiene.
Been playing a role as housewife tho, cooking, cleaning and waiting chicken to come back when I’m here. Everything seems so perfectly perfect. But is it because I’ve done too much and not being appreciated?
Food i wanted to eat, places i wanted to go. All is by myself.
Or is it because I’ve been hiding my own feelings deep down just to reduce a lot of arguments?
Or is it truly because I’ve been giving in too much until no one appreciates?
It has been almost third month spending time here at Ampang with the very nice view, comfort and high standard place. Which I’m really grateful about it compares to my hostel.
And the most importantly is I’m able to spend a lot of time with chicken, which I’ve been expecting this life for quite some time.
But, staying together sometimes is not as easy as you think at all. There are so many differences in living lifestyle, personal habits and hygiene.
Been playing a role as housewife tho, cooking, cleaning and waiting chicken to come back when I’m here. Everything seems so perfectly perfect. But is it because I’ve done too much and not being appreciated?
Food i wanted to eat, places i wanted to go. All is by myself.
2019年1月2日星期三
DAY 118
Struggling with my last paper, TITAS and finally I'm done!
Been spending sweet time with my chicken, although we stayed at home most of the time, it was definitely worthwhile.
2018 has been a lot of surprises and nightmares for me, and us. But what is truly blessed is, I gain so much of love. Family, friendships, and Daniel.
I got sick for few times too, and those times he was by my side, not to mention my mom who had been worrying for me for days.
I've been showering of love throughout 2018. With those ups and downs, I grow stronger and better.
Been spending sweet time with my chicken, although we stayed at home most of the time, it was definitely worthwhile.
2018 has been a lot of surprises and nightmares for me, and us. But what is truly blessed is, I gain so much of love. Family, friendships, and Daniel.
I got sick for few times too, and those times he was by my side, not to mention my mom who had been worrying for me for days.
I've been showering of love throughout 2018. With those ups and downs, I grow stronger and better.