One day after Christmas, I'm in my home, my real sweet home. First time without mom, just me and dad.
It is a happy week, staying in my hometown, spending time here although classes were still on. I still have lists for me to complete but I told myself, I am here to relax and spend time with family and friends therefore, they are my priority and I have the privilege not to do homework hehe.
I just met the two most important persons in my life, my two family members too: Saw Poh Ai and Puah Soo Yong. They are part of my life, and I love them.
Always feeling nostalgic when I'm home, all the memories since I was little will pop out in my mind and they are always overwhelming. And I enjoy every moment missing them, they are part of me, they made who I am today. We are inseparable.
It feels so good every time seeing them because I know I can be who I am, so do they, and we always make laugh and tease each other and no matter how long we never meet, our relationship never changes. They have seen my downfall, so do I, we share each others' success, glories, and vulnerability.
I would like to conclude my 2020
The new year started with Australia's massive fire in the forests, a lot of animals died and lost their homes. It wasn't pleasant news to start with. Then, Wuhan was announced to lockdown due to the epidemic but fortunately, Malaysia was still able to celebrate Chinese New Year.
When the cases in Malaysia increased on March, 18/3/2020 the government decided to lockdown, starting our first MCO, lucky enough for me to celebrate my birthday, eating ice cream on 17/3/2020 with Daniel. Because we were in our hometown during Valentine's Day, we did not celebrate and I barely remembered Daniel promised he would celebrate with me when we got back to KL. And I could barely remember did we celebrate it.
When MCO started, I genuinely felt so happy because I was able to spend more time with Daniel plus I did not have e-learning yet therefore I had ample time doing nothing. When time went by, I got a little bit of depression because I felt suffocated. We started to argue because of little things. But I still loved him very much.
I could barely remember when was the time but I discovered he was texting with a girl from social media and the conversation had some chemistry and he admitted that he did not have a girlfriend. I told him I did not like the way you talked to her. That was the first time.
I had been meditating since March because I am very eager to find my inner self. I want to make a connection with myself, find peace within myself. I love building inner values and I prioritize that, I want to be a better person. I faced struggles, challenges, I questioned myself all the time but I did not have answers at the time. I slowed down my pace, not eager in finding the answer, instead I let the answer appear at the right time.
When EMCO started, everything seemed perfectly fine, our relationship was fine, my works as well as my studies. I was chosen to work with Mr Ambrose, he was willing to take me as his conducting student. It has been 3 months we are working together. I am truly blessed and grateful until today, and I know I cannot fail him.
In October, Daniel and I had a lot of fights and cold wars. I never thought our relationship would be changed so fast. I had a lot of silent crying and talks to myself, secretly hoping he would realize and talked to me. He failed me too no matter how many times I wanted to communicate. I had the most terrible downfall in October, during our broke up. I sobbed and moved out from Ss2, the place I used to be loving it the most and I knew I had to move on. I could not express my gratefulness to Kee Xin, who lend me a hand when I needed it the most. Everyone was asking and checking on me during my darkest time and there was one time Kee Xin told me: Do you know a lot of people love you?! (with an angry emoji) and it struck me hard, I lost a relationship I thought it was so precious and I started to realize there are so many people love me unconditionally. (tears)
I took weeks to digest and communicated to myself. And here are the things I want to tell myself.
Dear Me,
You have grown up a lot. And I know you always deny certain characters in you but I want you to know I love you and I want you to accept the good and bad in you. Because you are you. It has been a great year for you and although the heartbreak might crush you, I am always with you so don't worry. Be courageous and go for your dream. You have people who love you, supporting you unconditionally.
You're a sexy beast. xoxo. Good night world.
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