18 August 2022

Mental health is getting bad, been feel like crying most of the time but inner voice is denying the emotions and trying to be strong.

Was having a huge mental breakdown yesterday after work in the morning, I was freaked out; never thought I have been repressing all the emotions so deeply to a point I thought I have accepted all.

No, I don't. Was crying all the way from work back home. I never really treat myself good, don't I? HAHA

Detoxing the emotions and yet so many distractions and irritating stuffs going on. 

I know I have been keeping distance away from many people, I'm only vulnerable to SPA. And when you're reading this, I need you to know how grateful and blessed I am to be able to have you as part of my family members. That we try our best to be present with all the ups and downs in our life.

It means so so much to me. Thank you (bow)

Feeling numb, stuck and exhausted 24/7. And feeling bad for not able to give 100% of me to people, and not able to show energetic side of mine (nowadays I rarely being active in front of people, I can only do it in front of SPA or myself).

Dear Me,

    Hey, I am really sorry that I have been neglecting your sign for very long time. Stuffed you with lots of pressure and workload and goals and I know you are yelping for HOLIDAY already. Sorry that I am not able to fulfil you with at least a day off. 

I know you enjoy studying and practicing but we should probably get a few days off. Just to spend money and do nothing. I always force you with so many stressful thoughts just to make sure you stay motivated and inspired to work, to ensure you never get lazy. The red sign you've been sending out so frequent lately, I am sorry I take it for granted just like I always do. 

I always say bad and toxic words to you, thinking you're not good enough, that you still not hardworking enough, that you still can be better, that you're so easy to be replaced (as a music teacher); making you feel like a piece of shit. I can never guarantee I will not do this ever again, but I am sorry. Truly sorry that we decided to take action only after you broke down.

I have no clue at all, knowing nothing what I should do to make you feel better; but I guess let's settle things by these few days and we will see how alright?

You deserve to be loved, I am the asshole. Sorry. Love you.