Breakup

 Hello everyone who is still reading my blog. Millions of thank you. I always treat here as my secret place, when I got no one to speak to or I want to have some conversation with myself I would love to post here. It's definitely not safe haha but I would just want to record my life in words. 

16/10/2020

It had been few days since we were having the cold war, we did not talk to each other because I remembered I wanted him to spend more time with me and he said he was tired of telling his stuff. Therefore, I decided to shut up since there was no conclusion for the argument. We did not talk to each other since Monday 12/10/2020, I had so many things to tell him, but when I saw him, treating me like I'm transparent, I knew it wasn't good timing. And I hoped that he would wait in front of the bathroom so he would apologize to me and tell me: Can you smile? I miss your laughter because I remember he told me how much he loved my laughter, that was my signature. But every time I put so high hope on it, it crushed me even harder. I did not cry for that few days, letting myself settle down but I have never expected these few days would be our last few days to be together. The process was difficult, whenever I thought of it, my heart ached. I loved him so it was hurtful to see the person you loved treated you in such a way.

On Friday 16/10/2020, we talked about this issue, and he said he was tired, tired of sharing his stuff with me, saying that I could never understand his jobs, his stuff. We have been fucking 2.5 years and the person who slept with you every night told you that you could never understand his job. What the fuck? Therefore we came to a mutual agreement to break up. No doubt, I was crying like hell and I definitely knew my eyes would look like walnut the next day. I was having neck and back pain that night, woke up and applied the cream by myself and massaged it. Tears couldn't stop, it was too hurtful to think of what to do later. He just slept there when I was suffering emotionally and physically. The memories of ours were like playback, every single memory was flashing in my mind and I knew I could not do anything to fix on this relationship anymore, it was time to let go. "Letting go" has always been the hardest issue for me, I can't but I have to. 

17/10/2020

I contacted Wei Pheng and Kee Xin, asking for a place to stay temporary. And I decided to stay at Kee Xin's place. I woke up with my eyes swelled like walnut, expected. My mind was blank, how much I wished that it was just a dream, we were still cool the next day. But nope, it was real and happening. I woke up, talking to Poh Ai about this, cried like hell. Around 11am, I showered and started to pack. When I was packing, I could not hold my tears, they were like the water pipe, gushing out from my eyes. Before I left, he hugged me and said good luck. Ain't this ironic? Haha. When I settled down there, I rested and cried again. Basically, my mind was blank and I kept crying that few days la. Like trying to fit into a new place was so hard for me at that time, and I practiced my flute to keep me occupied. His sister called me too, checking on me and asking what happened to both of us, whether I still wanted to go back.

18/10/2020

I received a lot of messages and love from my friends and sis. They checked on me from time to time, and I could not be more appreciative of this. And so fortunate that I have Kee Xin keep me accompanied. They asked whether had I eaten, how was I, did I feel better, what did I need? And this fella, Saw Poh Ai kept asking me whether I want any dessert? Can't remember which day, but Soo Yong called me too, we talked about my plans with him, things that we had not accomplished. 

That night I decided to call my mom because I didn't want to worry her. We talked and I cried, she said she was so worried about me and she wished she could be here with me right now. But after talking I felt worse, but I know it's okay because I was having heartbreaking moments. I needed time to heal. 

19/10/2020

On the fourth day of the breakup, I went back to Ss2 to grab my things. I have never thought the journey of going back "home", the place I used to call it, was so hard. I did not cry, but the feeling was complicated. Fortunately, I met with few people and after talking to them, I wasn't feeling that bad anymore. I talked to my housemate, Ellie and knowing that the three of us in this unit were just broke up, as well as Ellie's housemate! And this made me feel better HAHAHA

20/10/2020

The fifth day of the breakup. Finally, there was a smile on my face. (You might get confused with the date, so do I)

21/10/2020

I had dreams about him few times. In the dreams, I kept asking whether did he still love me? But he walked away all the time without answering me. I thought I should let you go. 

22/10/2020

One week after the breakup and I could see myself healing. I looked great.

Shout out to every girl out there!

Never ever escape from the reality, face it with courage! You are more than you think. The reason why I healed and reacted out of my expectation is I enjoyed every moment, regardless of up or down. I truly experience every single feeling and emotion that my heart and mind want to tell me. It was really good when you are opened up to your own, and be honest to your heart. You're a gem, don't let others treat you like trash. Eat study sleep. Do what you're supposed to and take a break if you need to. 

I love me, and I am spending more time with myself, not begging someone to spend time on me, if they want to, they will. I felt like a beggar when I was asking him, not to play the game but talked to me. 

It's okay, I am tired of those shit and I am so ready to move on, looking forward to the next chapter of my life. xoxo